Wednesday, June 06, 2007

#06 - Payback (1999). Truly Awful Remake of Point Blank In Which Mel Gibson, As Usual, Refuses To Be Shown In A Bad Light - Which Kind Of Makes The Whole Thing Pointless.
#07 - Planet Of The Apes (1999). A 'Re-Imagining'. I Don't Fucking Think So.

#08 - Get Carter (2000) So Bad It's Almost Worth Recommending.

#09 - Piranha (1995) Chickens Out Of The Original's Kiddie Massacre.
#10 - Rollerball (2002) Honestly, One Of The Worst Films I've Ever Seen.

I shall be off line for a few days, moving house and attempting to stay calm.
I leave you with my Top Ten Shit Remakes....guess what they all are, give me your own suggestions, agree or disagree....I shall expect to retun here and find hundreds of comments and the winner will get, well, my highest respect.


St. Anthony said...

Jeez, it's getting harder.

6)Payback (such a shitty, pointless, worthless remake of Point Blank ... how could they? Mel 'Sugartits' Gibson stacking up against Lee Marvin? Aargh!).
7)? This is going to bug me, I know the guy's face, just can't place him.
8)Get Carter (ditto all my comments re Payback. A complete misunderstanding of what made the original tick).
10)Rollerball (typical of most modern remakes - bigger budget, better sfx, not a tenth of the inspiration - worth a watch, but I have a soft spot for the original).

St. Anthony said...

Other really shitty remakes?
The Haunting: a cynical, stupid remake of a very great film adapted from a great novel.
Alfie: not that I'm a fan of the original, but it has a basic charm entirely lacking in the horrible, cynical remake - and Jude Law is a self-regarding twat of the highest order.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: actually, an entertaining enough remake, but like The Hills Have Eyes, a pointless version with added gore and sleaze, making them very conservative remakes of slyly subversive originals.
The Ladykillers: no, no, no! You can't remake Ealing comedies ... you particularly can't remake Ealing comedies if you're a Yank. Forget the Iraq War, this is one of the most appalling abuses of human rights ever committed under the aegis of the Stars and Stripes.
Psycho: not a bad film per se, but staggeringly pointless ... not an art statement, a waste of time. Remaking a Hitchcock movie is an act of hubris, for a start ... I hear there is a The Birds remake in the works. Is nothing sacred?

Remakes I'd like to see ... the David Lynch remake of Black Narcissus, The Pier Paolo Pasolini remake of A Private Function and the John Waters remake of Jesus Christ Superstar ... you can but dream ....

JC said...

Is 7 Planet of the Apes?

JC said...

No 9 - Piranha?

Dominic Zero said...

Ah, I'm back online, though only fucking just. Back on dial-up for the time being, which is a pisser of monumental proportions.
OK - Everybody's right...except #05 is not 'The Hills Have Eyes' (thought it was OK - pointless, but OK).
Anyway, #05 is one of the worst.
Ant - Totally agree on all counts, though I thought the 'Rollerball' remake was one of the worst films I've ever seen.
Never saw 'The Ladykillers', but I can only imagine...
Doppeldude...I actually really like the '70s Kong remake. Thought the recent one was a total shambles...where's the smashing NY to bits? It's the fucking best part. And actually script-wise it's more a remake odf the '70s film.
JC - Well done on getting 'Piranha'...that was the 'difficult' one.
Come on now....what's #05?

JC said...

No 5 - The Fog?

El Duderino said...

I would guess The Fog as well. Ain't seen it but it looks sorta ... foggy.

Dominic Zero said...

It is 'The Fog'- stars the bloke from 'Smallville' - and it's fucking terrible.

St. Anthony said...

Yes, I quite liked the 70s Kong - remember going to see it with my dad.
Another dismal remake - The Wicker Man what's that all about?

Dominic Zero said...

Haven't seen it, that was the problem with doing this top ten...most remakes aren't worth bothering with.
Though I am curious about The Wicker Man...just to see what the Hell they do with it.

kek-w said...

You can add the abortion that is Sean Bean...LOL! The abortion that is Sean Bean in "The Hitcher" to yr worst ever remakes...not that I've seen it - it's just the idea of it...the trailer looked pants, tho.

Coming up - heretical remakes of "The Evil Dead", Carpenter's "The Thing" and "Escape From new York"...fer fucks sake...

Dominic Zero said...

God - that does sound rather tragic.
Never saw 'The Hitcher' remake so I couldn't put it in...but I know what you mean. I've got nothing against Sean Bean really...but in 'The Hitcher'? I don't think so.

niowulf said...

Blimey! Was the Rollerball straight to DVD as I never heard of it. The remake that is.

Dominic Zero said...

Well, I think it bombed at the cinema in the US and deservedly so, so I think it went straight to video here. It's so bad I'd recommend it. Directed by John McTiernan who did 'Die Hard' (officially one of the best films ever made) - during the whole film they never explain the rules of the game...which is kind of the whole point.