Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Bought this book (above) recently, admittedly to sell on, but I was just struck by the awful cover. Could you find a worse picture of Jennifer Garner? Okay, she's not the prettiest girl in the world, and the poor cow's married to Ben Affleck, but if you're going to the trouble of writing & printing a whole book, make a fucking effort. I mean, it's Alias for chrissakes, she wears all sorts of different outfits (below are just a handful of suggestions for the reprint). More to the point she spent a lot of time in rubber & latex. At least she did in the first season, before she presumably got powerful enough to refuse to wear anything that 98% of the viewing public wanted to see her in.
I actually lost interest in Alias after Season 1 largely because for a hard-nosed uber-agent working undercover she seemed to spend an awful lot of the time crying and getting upset. Either that or she was in jeans and a tee shirt the whole time once her contract had been renewed and I no was longer fished in. Everyone knows female undercover agents have to dress up as either prostitutes or pole dancers or goths at least half the time. Just ask Heather Locklear.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Keifer Easter

Well, now. Jesus died on the cross so I could have a Keifer Sutherland mug. I think that's fair.
I actually stopped watching 24 after Season 2, it got so laboured I got tired just sitting there watching it. They should've called it 12, or even 6 and I would have stayed with it. But I still love ex-con Keifer. He did his time without complaint and he just has the best voice in the world. I often wonder if when he goes out for a pint with Charlie Sheen these days whether they still invite Emilio Estevez. I mean, what would they say to the guy? Poor Emilio, I guess he could make some more Mighty Ducks films if he wanted to.
As far as Easter is concerned, it's like a poor man's Christmas, there's fucking nothing on telly. Why isn't Von Ryan's Express on? Or North West Frontier? If I can pluck up the courage to go out to the creepy garden shed where all our videos are I guess I could look for some TJ Hooker (I do have a hankering to see the episode where Heather Locklear goes undercover as a prostitute...oh, that's all of them), though it's doubtful Mrs Zero would agree to watching that over lunch. Still, I believe there is a copy of About A Boy out there which desperately needs to be stamped on & burned, so if no more posts appear here it's probably because I've been attacked and killed by the giant Shed Spiders whilst ridding the world of at least one copy of that hideous fucking film.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Monday, March 17, 2008


Travelled the windy M5 to Bristol last week to get righteously caned with Webb, Barber & Wynch last week. As Bristol is absolutely shite for second hand books I was saved by stopping off in Asbo capital Western-Super-Mare where I found these gems amongst many others.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

First Annual Octopus 99 Motion Picture Awards

Well, now, next year I'll probably hold this as a gala event at Chard Town Hall with a red carpet and everything. This year, however, due to funding problems, the winners will just have to come round my house to collect their gongs.
Each category had five nominations (some of which get a mention), and Jupiter and myself were up all night deliberating the winners & losers.

So here they are, the glorious winners:

Best Un-PC Excuse To Shoot Arabs While Posing As A PC 'Let's Work Together' Film: The Kingdom.

Best Animal : The Dog Off I Am Legend.

Best Spy Music : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Best Film About Magicians : The Prestige.

Film That Wasn't Nearly As Bad As Everyone Said It Was : Spiderman 3.
Best Hair : John Cusack In 1408.

Best Film I Haven't Seen : Rambo.
Best Quote : 'You Wanna Be A Big Cop In A Small Town? - Fuck Off Up The Model Village.' (Hot Fuzz).

Best Remake Of Death Wish : The Brave One. (I haven't seen Death Sentence.)

Most Missed Movie Franchise : The Mighty Ducks. (A close second was Agent Cody Banks).

Best Bruce Willis Movie : Die Hard 4.0.

Best Lindsay Lohan Movie : I Know Who Killed Me.

Best Film With A Killer Who Looks Like One Of The Monkees : No Country For Old Men.

Worst CGI : I Am Legend.

Worst Acting/Script Hidden By A Good Idea : Cloverfield.

Most Unnecessary Fast Cutting Thus Ruining What Would Otherwise Be A Really Good Movie : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Special Who Gives A Shit Award : Blade Runner: The Final Cut.

Special Please Will You Just Fuck Off Award : Julia Roberts.

Special Television Award For The Series That Really Does Have No Idea How Shit It Is : Torchwood.

And there you go. Hopefully next year it'll be televised, I'm in talks with QVC.