Sunday, March 02, 2008

First Annual Octopus 99 Motion Picture Awards

Well, now, next year I'll probably hold this as a gala event at Chard Town Hall with a red carpet and everything. This year, however, due to funding problems, the winners will just have to come round my house to collect their gongs.
Each category had five nominations (some of which get a mention), and Jupiter and myself were up all night deliberating the winners & losers.

So here they are, the glorious winners:

Best Un-PC Excuse To Shoot Arabs While Posing As A PC 'Let's Work Together' Film: The Kingdom.

Best Animal : The Dog Off I Am Legend.

Best Spy Music : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Best Film About Magicians : The Prestige.

Film That Wasn't Nearly As Bad As Everyone Said It Was : Spiderman 3.
Best Hair : John Cusack In 1408.

Best Film I Haven't Seen : Rambo.
Best Quote : 'You Wanna Be A Big Cop In A Small Town? - Fuck Off Up The Model Village.' (Hot Fuzz).

Best Remake Of Death Wish : The Brave One. (I haven't seen Death Sentence.)

Most Missed Movie Franchise : The Mighty Ducks. (A close second was Agent Cody Banks).

Best Bruce Willis Movie : Die Hard 4.0.

Best Lindsay Lohan Movie : I Know Who Killed Me.

Best Film With A Killer Who Looks Like One Of The Monkees : No Country For Old Men.

Worst CGI : I Am Legend.

Worst Acting/Script Hidden By A Good Idea : Cloverfield.

Most Unnecessary Fast Cutting Thus Ruining What Would Otherwise Be A Really Good Movie : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Special Who Gives A Shit Award : Blade Runner: The Final Cut.

Special Please Will You Just Fuck Off Award : Julia Roberts.

Special Television Award For The Series That Really Does Have No Idea How Shit It Is : Torchwood.

And there you go. Hopefully next year it'll be televised, I'm in talks with QVC.


Anonymous said...

Sorry, you can't use Chard Town Hall - it's all booked up by me for a series of gala public executions. I'm starting with Ricky Gervais, and don't worry Julia Roberts is also featuring later in the year. Method most preferred by myself and the producers at the moment is stoning. Vernon Kay goes round the council estate inviting the mongos to bring a rock, gnome, fridge, or whatever projectile they can lay there hands on from their garden. Big cash prizes can be won and texts/calls from your mobiles will be charged at no more than ten quid a minute.

Dominic Zero said...

I'm there.Maybe we can stone Jordan to death too, she could write about it in her next biography.

St. Anthony said...

Best film with a killer who looks like one of the Monkees, arf arf. Imagine being offed by a Micky Dolenz (with a weird dash of Mike Nesmith) looky likey.
Is Lindsay Lohan number one in a field of one?
I notice 'Torchwood' chucks in a gratuitous highbrow reference every week to snare old pseuds like me ... it was Proust this week. And it must work, since I watched the bloody thing.

Dominic Zero said...

I watched Torchwood a few weeks back just cause it had the great James Marsters in it. It's such a badly written, embarrassing pile of shit it made Primeval look great.
The Best Lindsay Lohan Film catagory does indeed have to be a film with Lindsay Lohan in it, until she starts directing or writing Spy music anyway.
And I don't know what other films she made in the last year.

El Duderino said...

Spiderman 3 was crap, apart from the Sandman bits.

Can I add AVP: Requiem in the 'Best Gross-out Scene Involving A Pregnant Woman In An Otherwise Shit Film' category?

niowulf said...

Can I nominate 10,000 BC for the best; that's 2 hours of my life that I won't get back.

Best Mammoth stampede.

Dominic Zero said...

Indeed, I think that'll be a good category...I felt the same way about Ghost Rider.