Sunday, August 29, 2004

Charlie's Angels Fix

For those of you like myself who are a bit freaked at the Cheryl Ladd Gallery not updating for over a month - - here she is all tied up yet strangely left with full use of a radio. That's just weak writing.

Scared? You Will Be

At work, killing the 5 hours between news bulletins, what does one do? Of course - research Phobias. After all, there's only so much coffee you can drink & so many cigarettes you can smoke.
Actually I was trying to find the proper name for the Fear Of Disintegration (Which I think Kek has). Couldn't find it - but I did find these:

Amathophobia - Fear of Dust.

Chaetophobia - Fear of Hair.

Francophobia - Fear of French Culture. (I may have that).

Homichlophobia - Fear of Fog.

Myxophobia - Fear of Slime.

Pupaphobia - Fear of Puppets.

Nucleomituphobia - Fear of Nuclear Explosions (I've got that).

Atomosophobia - Fear of Atomic Explosions (I haven't got that).

Xerophobia - Fear of Dryness.

Dinophobia - Fear of Whirlpools.

Geniophobia - Fear of Chins.

Barophobia - Fear of Gravity.

Lutraphobia - Fear of Otters.

Metrophobia - Fear of Poetry.

Cyclophobia - Fear of Bicycles (I've got that - but only when they're on the FUCKING PAVEMENT).

Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of The Mouth.

Astrophobia - Fear of Celestial Space or Stars.

Limnophobia - Fear of Lakes.

Zemmiphobia - Fear of The Great Mole Rat.

Apeirophobia - Fear of Infinity (I don't have the attention span to be scared of that).

Takethatophobia - Fear of Being Bum-Fucked By Robbie Williams (Ask Andrea Corr).

I tell you what - I'm not spell-checking this, I'll be here all night.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

20th Anniversary

Just a quick note to celebrate the fact that for the 20th year running I am not going to the Notting Hill Fucking Carnival.

Very Important Announcement

Tuesday 31st August on ITV1 - Nick Fury - Agent Of SHIELD.
Starring David Hasselhoff - The Most Famous Man On The Planet (Official).
Do not miss.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Blazing Adventure!

From the very fires of Hell he came to wreak havoc and death on all civilization. G-8 -- America's Flying Spy -- combats a fiend inhuman and barbaric -- a fiend whose henchmen are the dregs of the Earth, and whose hate is fiercer than the forces of nature...The Steel Mask!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Television's Over

Whilst musing last years demise of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, followed this year by Angel, it has occurred to me that Television sucks.
Buffy was underground TV that made it big. It grew and improved constantly. Most of all it survived, pretty much intact, for its whole run. As did Angel.
And now, what do I watch? It seems nothing has replaced them.
Firefly almost did, but it was axed before it had time to breathe.
Alias almost did, but the constant blubbering of its heroine and the complete chickening out of a major character being bumped off at the start of Season Two sunk it for me.
Charmed is lightweight fluff. The Simpsons is rerunning itself. CSI is being flooded with spinoffs.
24 has been defeated by its own gimmick (call it 12 - I might watch it then).
The Sopranos - is that still going? If so who cares?
British TV is even worse. If they're not ripping off US TV wholesale (Waking The Dead), they're battering me with endless 'reality' and home owner shows (improve your home - clean your home - sell your home - buy a home abroad then freak out and come back).
Eastenders? Its piteous desire to be cutting edge and 'relevant' is what lets it down. Be a soap. Get some alien abduction in there.
Tony Robinson digging up some Roman shit? Live? Why?
Buy some stuff at a bootsale, then, I know, don't even sell it, just guess what it's worth. Outstanding.
And what exactly is left for 'reality' TV? Stubbing fags out on some 23 year old wannabe's cock? Or maybe some Ordinary People Who Want To Be On Telly experiencing what it was like to be in the showers at Auschwitz.
The subversive TV of the early 90s' effect is dissipating - Twin Peaks was anarchy and opened lots of doors that are now swinging closed.
And Seinfeld was harsher anarchy, more subversive because it masqueraded so well as a bland sitcom. Without it many shows would never have existed - Frasier, Phoenix Nights and Will And Grace to name but a few. Now every channel is just waiting for the new Friends.
I miss Buffy The Vampire Slayer - it was tangible TV and it's left a huge gap in the schedules that nobody seems to be even trying to fill.
I have a hundred and sixty-two channels and there's nothing on.
Oh, hang on - Charlie's Angels is on Five.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

The Poisoners

The Poisoners by Donald Hamilton.
If you're into gas-mask women with guns - Matt Helm's your man.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Mister Elmer Bernstein 1922 - 2004

Death of a pop genius.
The obvious - The Magnificent Seven (1960), The Great Escape (1963), The Man With The Golden Arm (1955). The not so obvious - Robot Monster (1953), Cat Women Of The Moon (1953), Drango (1957), The Silencers (1966), Saturn 3 (1980), The Grifters (1990).
Above all, the genius behind the deranged jazz of TV show Johnny Staccato (1959).
All that and only one Oscar.
Truly, the man did write godlike tunes.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Bold Eagle Bummer

Rrrumblers by Hot Wheels - I am entirely gutted that I panicked and flogged this on Ebay for a mere £85.00, then probably spent the money on Doc Savage books or Timpo Arabs.
Now I am sad & all I have is this picture.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Robots R Us

I, Robot - Not at all bad for a Will Smith movie. Precious little to do with Asimov's book - which is probably for the best. Lots of smashing stuff up, lots of robots running about.
I find it most reassuring knowing that 30 years into the future leather trousers will still be around.

In The Fat News

Geri Halliwell's porked again.
Also, whilst on the subject - a 43 stone woman's skin grew into the fabric of her sofa because she didn't get up off it for five years. Fucking Hell.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Sam Raimi - Keep It Going

Spiderman 2 - A rare celluloid superhero treat. Sam Raimi hits the spot while so many get it wrong. It transcends the slightly dodgy CGI of the first movie.
Still. How come Kirsten Dunst is so strangely sexless? Even when wet?
And - Doc Ock - terrific though he is - how come his tentacles reminded me so much of Rod Hull & Emu?
It looks like the next movie will feature The Lizard as the major villain. A bit poor, really. Yet another mad scientist. I was never a big Lizard fan.
What about The Rhino?
Or Hive (A bloke made of fucking bees).
Still, let's just hope Raimi stays with the program and they don't hand it over to that twat who ruined the Batman movies.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Gorgo, man

Gorgo - picked up for 20p in some backstreet record shop in Dawlish. Thought I'd share the image & savour it before I flog it on Ebay. Who knows, could be a sleeper.

Locklear 'n' Load

Heather Locklear in mighty gun pose from T J Hooker.
Click to enlarge, it's well worth it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Films That People Say Are Shit But Aren't

Due to being at work since four o'clock this morning, having been up late miserably failing to post photos of, well, nothing, I am frazzled to the point of doing a list. What the Hell, I like lists.
Here goes - films slated for no good reason:

Dante's Peak (1997) - Pierce Brosnan, Linda Hamilton, Pyroclastic Cloud.

Bring It On (2000) - Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Fucking Dushku.
Cheerleaders - faultless.

The Towering Inferno (1974) - Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, Everybody.
Just the top of the 70s disaster movie food chain. Just cos The Poseidon Adventure was first doesn't make it best.

The Matrix 2 & 3 (2003) - Keanooo.
Give it a year & everyone'll be claiming they loved both these films from the get go. Just like the first one.

Rio Bravo (1959) - John Wayne, Dean Martin.
Made because the director hated High Noon - Gary Cooper being a pussy & asking everyone to help him. John Wayne needs NO ONE - but people help him anyway.

Troy (2004) - Brad Pitt, The Hulk, Endless English Luvvies.
It has much good fighting.

Showgirls (1995) - Elizabeth Berkley, Gina Gershon.
The ultimate Verhoven TV movie that wasn't made for TV. Too subtle by far.

Ghosts Of Mars (2001) Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube.
Everybody was so into slagging John Carpenter off by this point that no one noticed he made a top B movie.

Satan's School For Girls (1973 TVM) - Kate Jackson, Cheryl Ladd.
Hammeresque (ie nothing happens) TV movie with a nubile pre - Charlie's Angels cast. Classic late night oddity.

The Exorcist (1973) - Linda Blair.
Everyone always rips into this because it's 'not scary'. It is scary.

Kansas City Bomber (1972) - Raquel Welch.
I don't know who Welch's agent was around the late 60s & early 70s, but he got her into some weird shit. This is Rollerball without the future. There's another Charlie's Angels link here involving Roller Derby and Raquel & Farrah Fawcett doing lez, but I can't be bothered to go there.

Double Tap (1997) - Heather Locklear, Peter Greenaway.
Heather as an undercover cop hooked on smack. She wears a black polar-neck very well.

Kraa! The Sea Monster (1998) - Nobody.
Sequel to Zarkorr! The Invader (1996). Admittedly I have never seen this film, but it sounds very good.

Well, I enjoyed that. I may well do another list soon. Any suggestions will be looked at then ignored.

Monday, August 09, 2004


Jennifer Ellison is forty-six years old. That is a cold, hard fact.

Post One

Having just returned from an atomic coastal holiday, I now feel ready to post my first raving, get into the swing of things, verbally spurt jets of blood from my literary jugular. Or Whatever.
Saw Jennifer Ellison doing TOTP (Tim Kash - work on that speaking thing) in a ra-ra skirt.
She's been styled up like Baby Spice, only she's not as bald. I mean, talk about picking a seriously Ugh template. And the backing band - are they really musicians? You know, I reckon they didn't play on the record. No, really, that's what I think.
Still, awful though it is, you've gotta love ra-ras being back. It's like The Bangles never went away (They did go away, didn't they?).
Two weeks on the Devon coast - believe me I saw a lot of ra-ras. Actually, thinking about it, on The English Riviera, they probably never went out of fashion. They've all still got ash-blonde Farrahs too. And those wide white belts. And denim - lots of denim.
At Paignton Zoo one of the gibbons was wearing a ra-ra and a denim waist-coat. Luckily it had had its ONJ 'Physical' headband confiscated.
Anyway - I digress.
Ra-ra - good.
Jennifer Ellison - bad.
Paignton Zoo - it may have big, animal - friendly enclosures, but you can't see fuck all.