Thursday, March 31, 2005


Just a quick note re Christopher Eccleston leaving Doc Who.....Hahahahaha.
And on a lighter note - thanks V much to The Pope for not dying during Newsnight tonight, I wanted to go home and thanks to you I did.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Now I Understand

Sitting outside at work today, smoking one of my many American cigarettes - I saw an ambulance parked by reception (doubtless there to pick up some poor sap who read their emails today) and I couldn't help but notice 'Emergency Ambulance' written on the side.
Is there any other kind?
Maybe this is the root of the problems we read about all the time with the ambulances always taking two hours to turn up at accidents. Perhaps we're not asking for the right type of ambulance. Obviously we need to specify 'Emergency Ambulance' when we call or else we might get a 'No Particular Rush Ambulance' or a 'Sometime Today Between Two And Six Ambulance.'
So, next time you're lying in the gutter gouting blood from your face after a good kicking from the local 12 year olds, remember to mention 'Emergency' when you call 999.
Believe me, I have plenty more life and death information where that came from.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

1,460 Cigarettes

So, I'm back from Las Vegas, NV in one piece. Jet-lagged to fuck so I don't really know what day it is. You lose a day coming back, so we got on a plane there Friday lunchtime & when we arrived back here it was Saturday morning. This doesn't seem fair somehow as we didn't gain fuck all on the way out due to being stuck at Detroit, MI airport for six fucking hours, that's after they almost put us on the wrong flight at Gatwick.
Mind you, I was lucky I wasn't there for longer after US Customs found my quasi-Leatherman tool in my bag (oops) and, after a long debate & measuring of the blade, decided not to arrest me / shoot me. All this with no fucking smoking area. All in all I went 32 hours (aprox) without a cigarette. Man, that was harsh.
Arriving in Vegas at midnight rather than early evening (hence the lost time credit), we found a cab queue that was longer than something really long.
Booked into The Exalibur Hotel & Casino (that's the Knights of the Round Table / castley one), crashed out, got up, checked out, lugged our stuff all the way to The Luxor (that's the Egyptian / pyramidy one), which is a long way - even though it's next door and there are moving walkways - where they'd never heard of us. Still, they gave us a room while they checked out what had happened.
It was all OK in the end, but I'm going down Fleetway Travel in the morning with a machete.
On top of all that, Kate got ill on the penultimate day and then I got stopped by UK Customs carrying in 1,460 Marlboro Lights. I think we were so fucked up by that point we must have looked like dealers from Bangkok. For some strange reason the customs man let me keep the cigarettes. I must have a nice face.
Oh, yeah, there was a holiday in there somewhere. I know this because I have a frogman Pez dispenser that isn't available here and a mountain of soap & shampoo from The Luxor.
I'm sure that when my brains get forwarded by NWA Airlines (No Shit) I will go on about it at great length.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Red Shit Day

Watched a couple of movies last night - rather than submit to the torture of Comic Relief - I still find rich people trying to make me feel guilty rather annoying. Thrown-together comedy sketch / poor people montage / comedy sketch / kids with aids / Mcfly performance /news / comedy sketch with swearing / more fucking gondolas / kids crying & dying /celebrities giving up their precious time for free / Davina Fucking McCall..Oh, spare me. I'd rather give my cash to a hard up terrorist organization.
Anyway - Aliens Vs Predator - not bad. From the general vibe I thought it was going to be shit - but, well, not at all bad. Good killing & stuff, plenty of money spent. All in all a good old romp, though obviously reduced violence to keep it a fifteen - as they did in King Arthur - the whole 'dvd only cut scenes' thing is just pissing me off now - apparently in the dvd extras on Bambi his mum gets chain-sawed. Still, which is it, Predator 3 or Alien 5? Answers in the dustbin please.
On top of that we watched Wimbledon - why, I don't know. It was completely down to me - I can't blame my girlfriend. Every now and again I guess I need to check that the British film industry is still shit - and I can confirm without any fear of retribution that the British film industry is still well and truly bum-fucking itself to death.
There must be someone in this country that can make a film that isn't an overlong version of a crap sitcom or go for the 'it's grim oop north but life's what you make it especially if your a poor kid playing in the street near a fire hydrant' theme.
Somebody should resurrect Hammer Films..and quickly.