Saturday, October 16, 2010

Jupiter Vs Heather Locklear

So. My cat, Jupiter (aka Cat #5), has stress. I took him to the vet and the vet diagnosed him as being very stressed out. The vet then spun the chamber on a hefty automatic containing one bullet, shoved the barrel in my mouth, and screamed 'Your fucking cat has fucking stress!' and pulled the trigger. There was just a click as the hammer fell on an empty chamber. Phew.

Oh, hang on, I think I'm getting two things mixed up here.

It may not have happened quite that way. I did have a dream the other night where Kate Beckinsale was hunting me with a Russian KSVK 12.7 bolt action sniper rifle. And Cat #5 was more than likely on the bed purring in my ear whilst this was going on. It was a great dream. Beckinsale was looking good in fatigues.

I don't normally dream. Or if I do I don't usually remember what I've dreamed. Though as I drifted off that night, with Cat #5 sitting next to my pillow staring at me as though he'd never fucking seen me before, I was thinking through a scene in my next book where the lady villain lays down some sniper fire on some unfortunate people who really don't deserve it. But that character, in my brain, is based on Heather Locklear, not Kate Beckinsale. And she's using a 1950s Norwegian Mauser M59, not the 1990s KSVK.

Aaahhh. I see. I'm living in the past, and my subconscious is attempting to drag me up to date. It all makes perfect sense. And Cat #5 is obviously worrying his fur off when he sees the night time struggle that I'm going through. Locklear vs Beckinsale. Old guns vs new guns. TJ Hooker vs The Wire. And only Cat #5 sees me at night - contorted and physically wracked with conflict. He wants me to drag myself out of the '80s.

Well, fuck you Jupiter. And you too subconscious. When this book gets published and I sell the film rights -Fuck you Beckinsale, Locklear's getting the part.

So, anyway, my cat has stress. He's over-grooming apparently, which means he may go bald. Well, let me tell you, if he goes bald he's out. I'm not having a bald cat around the place. My life's fucking weird enough as it is.

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