Friday, January 01, 2010

Octopus 99 Review Of 2009

Well now, as years go I've had better ones than 2009, about 47 of them in fact, but I won't drone on about my personal life like some kind of self-piteous arse. Even though, generally speaking, I'm usually quite the sympathy wretch and am, most definitely, an arse.

As far as Popular Culture goes, I really can't decide whether 2009 was good or bad or neither. This could well be down to the fact that I barely watched any movies or telly, only read about three comics and listened to next to no music. Looking back the whole year seems like a vague blur. I remember some famous paedo dying. I remember some Nazi bloke being on Question Time. I remember wearing my Luftwaffe gloves to Kid Shirt's big birthday bash. I'm pretty sure Boy George went to prison (now that is fucking Karma). And I remember my pal Sean F appearing after five years in the wilderness and getting so pissed with him my eyes actually fell out.

I did, however, read a lot of books. An awful lot of books, due to my endless journeying between Ilfracombe and London, though about 90% of these were old pulps and science fiction. The Shadow, the Modesty Blaise series in its entirety, plus mucho Stephen Hunter and Roger Zelazny all kept me from going commuter insane. I did read the first two volumes of Peter F Hamilton's Void trilogy, which were ace (and heavy - physically heavy. It was like carrying lead bars around), but now I have to wait at least a fucking year for the last one to come out, which kind of turns it all into a slightly negative experience.

And what of Girls Aloud? They seemed to be disintegrating like old bones in an acid bath, all of them selfishly branching out into new careers. Nadine's a property tycoon. Ruff Nicola's some kind of pale make-up guru, the blonde one's bought a club. And Cheryl - crikey - Cheryl exploded all over us like a bursting balloon of shit - becoming a brand new Posh Spice, updated like a later version of Action Man. She can talk and everything. When Cheryl's finally worn out from all the fame and the cash the next version will presumably have gripping hands and realistic hair.
And as for Kimberley....
...poor Kimberley. Oh, where did it all go wrong? Always the most respected and desired of the GAs on this blog, she must be desperately hoping the band stays together just for a while until she can think of something new to be. I know..go porn, go on, you know it would work.

I didn't catch too many movies, not enough time and all movies are TOO LONG. Saw The Dark Knight. Didn't think much of it. Rather like the James Bond reboot - once they'd done one they just gave up and went back to the old Joel Shcumacher style of over-edited toss.

Saw star Trek. Another reboot, or re-imagining or whatever the fuck it was. They wasted Eric Bana and they made Winona Ryder look old then killed her. That's shameful. And they obviously spent an awful lot of time finding actors who looked and sounded like Kirk, Spock and McCoy, but when they got to Uhuru apparently they just signed up the first black woman that walked past.
I really think re-imagining Terrahawks might have had more mileage in it.

And Valkyrie. Which was pretty good really. Very interesting. Despite Tom Cruise looking just too fucking American to be a Nazi. Or non-Nazi. Apparently you need legions of British actors to play all the other Germans. What was slightly dodgy was that the Bad Germans had accents and the Good Germans didn't. Thin ice. Although maybe that's how you could tell them apart in the war, so perhaps it was an accuracy thing. And I can't believe the shit ending..totally fucking up killing Hitler then all getting shot or hanged with piano wire. What a downer.
Which leads nicely onto Ingloooriuz Bistards, in which, I'm sure you know, they don't fuck up killing Hitler in the slightest.
My basic problem with this film was that the eponymous Nazi Hunters were A/ Barely In It and B/ Totally Irrelevant To The Plot. Still, better than most of Mr QT's other stuff, but I think it should have been called Vengeful Jewish Woman. Or Vungfeel Jowish Wooomun as QT would have spelt it.
I also found out, in 2009, that if you tell people that you don't like the movie Pulp Fiction, they think you're a fucking idiot.
The best film I saw all year was actually Hell Is For Heroes, which Kek kindly sent me for my birthday. In fact, here's a Perfect Night In: Hell Is For Heroes, Rambo and Taken. Trust me.
Close second has to be Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. It's a fucking classic. Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson have never been better. Never.
Actually, speaking of my birthday, how come nobody got me the Rachel Stevens calender. How come? Hmmm? Why was that?
In 2010 look out for: The Expendables, Pirahna 3D.
The only comics I got to read were whatever Lurch left lying about his flat. The Mark Millar / Steve McNiven Wolverine: Old Man Logan was fucking superb. I do love a good alternative future where you can do what you like. The Red Skull offing Captain America (thumbs in the eyes - nice) was particularly cool.
....the cover of Heroes For Hire #13. It may well not have come out in 2009, but I sure as Hell had a good wank over it in 2009.
TV. Well, like everything else, I didn't watch an enormous amount of telly. I gave up on most of my regulars. The Apprentice (it finally sank in that they are all cocksuckers). The X Factor (it finally sank in that they are all cocksuckers) - well, the standard just wasn't as good this year (that's a joke...honestly..that's a joke). Britain Clearly Hasn't Got Talent....Have you seen those dancers that won? They're SHIT.
The Curb Your Enthusiasm Seinfeld reunion was just fucking genius. Although it did make me realize what a huge, gaping hole Seinfeld has left in TV, even after all this time.
And Stuart Lee's Comedy Vehicle. Somebody give him his own channel. Now.
There was 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother and Inbetweeners. None of which have Charlie Sheen in. Thank God.
I didn't even watch much of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Even though Jimmy White was in it. Although the powers that be did decide to turn it into Jordan TV. Apparently she went on the show to 'get away from it all'. Hmm. Must be terrible for her, all that endless self-generated publicity. Mind you, you've got to love the public when they vote for the old whore to do seven trials in a row. Seven. 'I can't work out if this means they love me or hate me' she piped. IT MEANS THEY FUCKING HATE YOU YOU CRETIN.
Over the last year or so I've noticed how an awful lot of people repeatedly refer to Jordan as 'very clever' or that she possesses a 'good business mind'. She's not clever. She has clever agents and advisers. All she actually is is fucking greedy. Just like Jade 'Dead' Goody. Apparently Jordan's prolific literary output is not enough, and now she's inspired Colleen Rooney to write a book. 'I've had a really good idea for a book' Colleen recently announced. Well, that's gonna be fucking astonishing.
What Jordan ultimately needs is a good fisting. IN THE FACE.
As for the Wimbledon final, well that was just like a Greek fucking tragedy. After twatting Brit Git Andy Murray in the semis, Andy Roddick put up a titanic struggle against Federer then lost. That's five hours plus that I'll never get back and has basically left me scarred for life.
I have to say I didn't discover an awful lot of music, in fact all I really listened to was Ice Bird Spiral, Mud and The Saturdays. I tried very very hard to like The Saturdays and failed.
Even with the lubricious Frankie Sandford in their line-up The Saturdays are actually quite shit. They did, however, once come and turn on the Barnstaple Christmas lights. This is something both Mud and Ice Bird Spiral have totally failed to do.
So, with a brand New Year in mind and everybody's best interests at heart, here's my wish for the new decade...that in 2010 the lubricious Frankie Sandford should join Ice Bird Spiral.
I may also try and find out what lubricious means.

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