Ilfracombe 01/04/08

Alias

Bought this book (above) recently, admittedly to sell on, but I was just struck by the awful cover. Could you find a worse picture of Jennifer Garner? Okay, she's not the prettiest girl in the world, and the poor cow's married to Ben Affleck, but if you're going to the trouble of writing & printing a whole book, make a fucking effort. I mean, it's Alias for chrissakes, she wears all sorts of different outfits (below are just a handful of suggestions for the reprint). More to the point she spent a lot of time in rubber & latex. At least she did in the first season, before she presumably got powerful enough to refuse to wear anything that 98% of the viewing public wanted to see her in.
I actually lost interest in Alias after Season 1 largely because for a hard-nosed uber-agent working undercover she seemed to spend an awful lot of the time crying and getting upset. Either that or she was in jeans and a tee shirt the whole time once her contract had been renewed and I no was longer fished in. Everyone knows female undercover agents have to dress up as either prostitutes or pole dancers or goths at least half the time. Just ask Heather Locklear.

Inspiral Carpets - Dragging Me Down

Just great quasi-psychedelia.

Keifer Easter

Well, now. Jesus died on the cross so I could have a Keifer Sutherland mug. I think that's fair.
I actually stopped watching 24 after Season 2, it got so laboured I got tired just sitting there watching it. They should've called it 12, or even 6 and I would have stayed with it. But I still love ex-con Keifer. He did his time without complaint and he just has the best voice in the world. I often wonder if when he goes out for a pint with Charlie Sheen these days whether they still invite Emilio Estevez. I mean, what would they say to the guy? Poor Emilio, I guess he could make some more Mighty Ducks films if he wanted to.

As far as Easter is concerned, it's like a poor man's Christmas, there's fucking nothing on telly. Why isn't Von Ryan's Express on? Or North West Frontier? If I can pluck up the courage to go out to the creepy garden shed where all our videos are I guess I could look for some TJ Hooker (I do have a hankering to see the episode where Heather Locklear goes undercover as a prostitute...oh, that's all of them), though it's doubtful Mrs Zero would agree to watching that over lunch. Still, I believe there is a copy of About A Boy out there which desperately needs to be stamped on & burned, so if no more posts appear here it's probably because I've been attacked and killed by the giant Shed Spiders whilst ridding the world of at least one copy of that hideous fucking film.

Books

Travelled the windy M5 to Bristol last week to get righteously caned with Webb, Barber & Wynch last week. As Bristol is absolutely shite for second hand books I was saved by stopping off in Asbo capital Western-Super-Mare where I found these gems amongst many others.

First Annual Octopus 99 Motion Picture Awards

Well, now, next year I'll probably hold this as a gala event at Chard Town Hall with a red carpet and everything. This year, however, due to funding problems, the winners will just have to come round my house to collect their gongs.
Each category had five nominations (some of which get a mention), and Jupiter and myself were up all night deliberating the winners & losers.

So here they are, the glorious winners:

Best Un-PC Excuse To Shoot Arabs While Posing As A PC 'Let's Work Together' Film: The Kingdom.

Best Animal : The Dog Off I Am Legend.

Best Spy Music : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Best Film About Magicians : The Prestige.

Film That Wasn't Nearly As Bad As Everyone Said It Was : Spiderman 3.

Best Hair : John Cusack In 1408.

Best Film I Haven't Seen : Rambo.

Best Quote : 'You Wanna Be A Big Cop In A Small Town? - Fuck Off Up The Model Village.' (Hot Fuzz).

Best Remake Of Death Wish : The Brave One. (I haven't seen Death Sentence.)

Most Missed Movie Franchise : The Mighty Ducks. (A close second was Agent Cody Banks).

Best Bruce Willis Movie : Die Hard 4.0.

Best Lindsay Lohan Movie : I Know Who Killed Me.

Best Film With A Killer Who Looks Like One Of The Monkees : No Country For Old Men.

Worst CGI : I Am Legend.

Worst Acting/Script Hidden By A Good Idea : Cloverfield.

Most Unnecessary Fast Cutting Thus Ruining What Would Otherwise Be A Really Good Movie : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Special Who Gives A Shit Award : Blade Runner: The Final Cut.

Special Please Will You Just Fuck Off Award : Julia Roberts.

Special Television Award For The Series That Really Does Have No Idea How Shit It Is : Torchwood.

And there you go. Hopefully next year it'll be televised, I'm in talks with QVC.

Shelf Life

Books

Some recently acquired books. Been after Snowman for some time. Now that's a cover. Art by David McAllister, who did a fair few Dr Who books amongst other things.

Monster Mash

Just been to see Cloverfield and I can't really decide...it might be brilliant, it might just be annoying. Two things are for sure though: 1/ It is fucking intense. 2/ It really does get an awful lot of destruction in there.

In that sense alone it effortlessly pisses all over Spielberg's War Of The Worlds.

Roy Scheider

Fucking great actor. RIP.

Blonde Genius

Possibly the rarest book knocking around my office/stock room. It's a career-suicide epic from Western pulper JT Edson, which is why it's so rare.
All I can tell you is it's posh school girls vs Mediterranean Mafia.
Don't know who the cover artist is, if you know please enlighten me. Gotta dig a school-girl with Lugers.

London Town

Well, I survived three days in London, though it did turn into basicasally one long drinking session. I'm not really used to this sort of thing anymore, one drinking sesh every 3 months or so is my norm. I'm still hungover & I got back on wednesday. It's like I've caught 50% of the Novovirus, no puking just a constant stream of liquid shit.
Caught up with some righteous people: Neil & Kate (thanks for the Crystal Palace mug), El Duderino (what comic was I supposed to be getting? The Mark Millar thing - was it The FF?), Niowulf (I'll never slag off people that own Leathermans ever again), plus Geoff, Lee, Nick T, Andre & Caroline. I now think I'm actually suffering from some kind of socializing fatigue.
Today I'm off to Birmingham...no socializing, just gonna keep my head down and hope for the best.

SHEENA

Just fucking brilliant.

10 More Hideous Secrets

Donna emailed me her '10 Records That Lurk At The Back Of My Collection' as she's too lazy to actually do a blog.
This thing seems to be snowballing right out of hand & disrupting the actual fabric of the known Blogosphere, so sorry about that.

1/ Barbra Streisand : 'Woman In Love'. Hmm, not so bad, we play it in the shop.
2/ Sheena Easton : '9 To Five' (or 'Morning Train if you're a Yank). Fantastic. I've been meaning to post her classic 'Machinery' but have yet to do so.
3/ Kajagoogoo : 'Too Shy'. I'd love to say I liked them, but I really fucking hated them.
4/ Then Jericho : 'Big Area'. Holy shit, did they really exist? I thought that was all some private Hell.
5/ Hanson : 'Um Bop'. Very Kool.
6/ Madonna : 'Ray Of Light'. Like that a lot, think it's a great pop record.
7/ Natalie Imbruglia : 'Torn'. I only really liked her when she was playing Beth in Neighbours.
8/ Justin Timberlake : 'What Goes Around Comes Around'. The man's a cunt. Lets hope the song title happens for him and somebody sticks a hot fork in his eye.
9/ Plain White T's : 'Hey There Delilah'. Never fucking heard of them but I'm sure they're shit.
10/ The Ordinary Boys : 'I Love You'. Hmm, more tossers.

Well, thanks Donna, for sharing that. It's all therapy. I'm off to investigate Sheena Easton on You Tube.

Space Man

Good to see my old pal Dr Brian Cox doing well in the TV world. He's doing some gravity thing on Horizon next Tuesday at 9pm. He's a total dude. I never really knew what he was on about half the time...and he was doing layman's stuff.
I'll actually miss it because I'm off to London tomorrow for what is looking like a three day drinking binge. If I don't get mugged or stabbed or otherwise killed I'll be back with interesting stories from the big dark city on Wednesday.

Pat Benatar Vs The Nazis

I really do urge you to watch this...it's possibly the best video I have Ever Seen.

10 Records I Really Like But Shouldn't

1/ Dance The Night Away - The Mavericks.

2/ Ordinary World - Duran Duran.

3/ Automatic High - S Club Juniors.

4/ Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police.

5/ Last Thing On My Mind - Steps.

I actually know a really good story about Steps that illustrates beautifully what utter shitheels they are, but it's too risky to tell it here.

6/ Back For Good - Take That.

7/ Shadows Of The Night - Pat Benatar.

8/ Trash - Suede.

Just Cunts.

9/ You Win Again - The Bee Gees.

10/ Crush - Jennifer Paige.

Now, I've bared my warped, unclean soul...and I challenge the mighty Kek, Lurch, St Anthony & Doppelganger to do the same on your blogs ...10 records that hide at the back of your collections that no grown man should own.

Mandingo - Movie Tie-In Cover

Ah, Susan George, one of our greatest living actresses (yeah, fuck off Dench). I may have to do a special post on her in the near future.

Books On Ebay

Some of the more tasteful titles I'm selling on Ebay this week. Feel free to bid...no one will know it's you....