#06 : Manhunter (1986).

#07 : Tremors (1990).

#08 : Herbie Fully Loaded (2005).

#09 : Pushing Tin (1999).

#10 : The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954).

And there you are..I have seen NOTHING new lately, so nearly all these were on the telly. Tell me what they all are and win absolutely nothing.

Meeee

A Self-Portrait thing that's going around....as passed on to me from Kek-W. Apparently there are no rules, any format goes, the idea is to 'reveal some aspect of your inner psyche'. As I don't have an inner psyche, or even an outer one, I just done a felt-tip representation of how I see myself.
And I see myself with a monocle, filed teeth, an Emporer Ming beard, a scar and a hairstyle I had in 1982. As everyone should know by now, I'm a natural blonde who dyes his hair shit-brown because I'm deep.
I'm also a lot fatter & older than this picture implies, but fuck you - it's my picture.

I shall pass this mercifully onto Lurch & new reader KJB. And Molly!

Lurch - no pictures of yourself as Jesus.

Felt-Tips are ace, I might get into colouring in some of my 'ink & paper' drawings of Sue Storm getting 'seen to' by some drunken Advanced Ideas Mechanics. I would post them up, but Marvel might sue me as I'm not sure The FF ever came up against A.I.M..

Jamaica White

Blimey. You don't see this stuff anymore.

Power Rangers

Can't find the fucking Pink Ranger. I think she was called Kimberly.

OOGGA! BOOOGA!

Man With Huge Cock postcard from professional writer Kek-W. I can only assume this is how they talk down Bournemouth way.

War Of The Wing-Men

Bang Bang

As fate would have it I travelled all the way up to Bristol last week to catch The Bangles. I don't know why, really, I think it was social desperation. Anyway, met up with Webb, started drinking a little early, and, well, watched them play songs.

The photos are indeed shit, but I did take them on my phone (yes, I was one of those cunts who spends the whole time holding their mobile in the air - I think that might be worse than being a pavement cyclist), whilst standing at the bar, so it's hardly surprising they suck.

Still, The Bangles were pretty good, they just came on, did their thing without ceremony, then off they went. I recognized more songs than I thought I would. Hoffs still looks pretty good, I mean, she must be, I dunno, at least thirty by now, and the two sisters never looked that good in the first place so no disapointment there. My only problem was that the Bangle I used to fancy was the bassist, and she wasn't there. I do think this could have been flagged up beforehand - obviously Webb's research was a tad lacking.

Still, it was a good night. M Barber was there (he seemed to know ahead of time that the original bassist wasn't involved thus presumably wasn't racked with disapointment - mind you he's still involved in the Music Scene, so I guess he would know things like that), and I got falling down pissed. I really did. I actually fell down. How '80s is that?

Locals Only

Marat Safin

Crikey, there really is fuck all on telly (and don't say Heroes - it's Uber Shite - get a fucking writer). So thank god for Wimbledon. Even though my favourite player Andy Roddick got dumped out in the 2nd round by some Spanish twat with glasses, unseeded World Number 75 Marat Safin is charging through. He demolished no 3 seed Djokovic and now I'm into him going all the way.
Go Marat.

Big Fuck Off Spider

Well, I was going to complete my fantastic compilation cd 'Variety El Punko 2' today. I know how many of you out there are feverishly waiting for your copy after the gigantic success of the first one.
Anyhow, I went out to the garden shed to dig through more boxes of my scratched & generally badly looked after 70s vinyl, but there was a fucking mammoth spider in there. It was just inside the door so I couldn't go in lest he get behind me. Seriously, it was as big as my fucking foot. I guess I'll just have to wait for it to die.
Expect 'Variety El Punko 2' in, well, at least the autumn.

Death Sport

Tennis Flop

Say what you like about Tim Henman or Greg Rusedski, but at least they turned up for their matches.
Andy Murray, our great British hope in the world of tennis, is turning out to be a simpering cry-baby tosser who seems to fall over in agony if a moth flies too near his head. For God's sake, man, get a fucking grip. Not turning up for a quarter final because you hurt your thumb is pathetic. I thought the Scots were supposed to be hard. Bring back John Lloyd.

Mysterio

Black Widow

The Magnificent Seven

Blimey, Mr Shirt's passed on a great little delve into the self indulgent. There's nothing I love more than making lists:

"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to."

1/ Hot Butter : 'At The Movies'
Actually the B-side of 'Popcorn', which is itself a great piece of, I dunno, Pop, I found it recently and had forgotton how wonderful it is. It should be twenty minutes long but is, in fact, only two and a half.

2/ Amy Winehouse : 'Back To Black'
I actually really do know nothing about her other than that which The Daily Mirror tells me. I don't know anything by her other than this. I do know that she's right rough, so El Duderino probably fancies her. I actually discovered this track when it was covered by X-Factor skanks Hope last year. I'll post their version when I get a minute. Still, a delightfully depressing song.

3/ Elvis Costello : 'Goon Squad'
Been quite into Costello's first three albums lately, as I've trawled through my vinyl having recently resuscitated my record player, and any song containing the line 'You'll never get to make a lampshade out of me' has to be recoginised as genius on some level.

4/ John Murphy : 'In The House In A Heartbeat'
Fucking brilliant piece of Morricone-esque grunge used in '28 Days Later' - a shit film with good music. If you haven't heard it check it out, I promise you won't be disapointed.

5/ Girls At Out Best! : 'Go For Gold'
Ah, again I found this just last week and couldn't believe how fucking brilliant they were. Although I can't find my copy of their only (I think) album 'Pleasure', which is slightly worrying, I've been playing this and 'Politics' to death. They should have been huge. God bless Judy Evans.

6/ The Saints : 'This Perfect Day'
Again, a rediscovery, and the only record I have by them. That could be a crime.

7/ Mick Ronson : 'Billy Porter'
Oh, what a fucking God. Kid Shirt put this on last time I was round at his den, and I've been playing it in the car ever since. Just perfect.

So, only seven, eh? That hurts because I feel really bad about leaving out 'First Time' by The Boys. Still I've written it down and nothing bad's happened, except that my balls ache, but that's entirely unrelated and a story for another time.

Now, I'm supposed to pass this on to 7 others to do, which could be a problem as I'm not sure I know 7 bloggers who haven't already been appointed to this task...

St Anthony

Bug War (even though I think he might be dead)

Niowulf

Heather Locklear (yes, she does know of this blog's existence).

Er, that's it. I really don't know enough people.

Sweet

The Adverts

The Ilfracombe Mug Mountain

Space - Magic Fly

Try this one.

Hannah Montana Unmade Game Card Box

Action Man : Hold The Bridge

Ding-A-Dong, Teach-In - 1975

My favourite ever Eurovision winner.

Dragon Skins

Skinheads Vs Kung Fu Master. How cool is that?

Airfix Pontoon Bridge 1:76 Scale

I Just Fucking Stabbed Myself.

I really did just fucking stab myself. I the thumb, with a fork. I think it went about three inches in. There was a geyser of blood. And much pain. I'm OK, though, don't worry - no need for get well cards or flowers. I'm pretty sure I can carry on.
Although I have to say 'I Just Fucking Stabbed Myself' is a great title for an album.

Variety El Punko #01

As my continuing obsession with the 70s spirals into depressing nostalgia and a mindnumbing lack of knowledge of anything musically current, I have compiled what is probably the single greatest punk compilation cd ever put together. Tracks are as follows:

1/ Brickfield Nights - The Boys.

2/ She's A Windup - Dr Feelgood.

3/ Do Anything You Wanna Do - Eddie & The Hotrods.

4/ Automatic Lover - The Vibrators.

5/ Sweet Suburbia - The Skids.

6/ Public Image - Public Image.

7/ Orgasm Addict - Buzzcocks.

8/ Whatever Happened To? - Buzzcocks.

9/ Perfect Day - The Saints.

10/ Wasted Life - Stiff Little Fingers.

11/ Suspect Device - Stiff Little Fingers.

12/ Straighten Out - The Stranglers.

13/ Hanging Around - The Stranglers.

14/ Help - The Damned.

15/ In A Rut - The Ruts.

16/ In My Area - The Fall.

17/ Protex Blue - The Clash.

18/ I Don't Need To Tell Her - The Lurkers.

19/ Born To Loose - Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers.

20/ Bored Teenagers - The Adverts.

21/ Eve Of Destruction - The Dickies.

22/ Don't Dictate - Penetration.

23/ I'm Not Living In The Real World - Blondie.

24/ Swallow My Pride - The Ramones.

25/ Where Have All The Bootboys Gone? - Slaughter & The Dogs.

26/ Johnny Was - Stiff Little Fingers.

27/ Borstal Breakout - Sham 69.

Yeah, no Pistols. Anybody wants a copy let me know. It's fucking brilliant, and you get all the vinyl pops & hiss because I never looked after my records. I'm working on Variety El Punko #02 as we speak as I couldn't find my 999 singles when I put this one together. Also putting together my long awaited early 80s Terror Fish album 'Tracey Carter'. It's only long awaited by me, but it's still long awaited.

The Partridge Family

Going through a very 70s phase at the moment. Mind you, that's really nothing new.

999 - Homicide

Vibrators - Automatic Lover

Oh, yeah.

Stewart Lee: Braveheart

Stewart Lee - Joe Pasquale joke

Britain's 41st Funniest Comic

Actually Went Out last night, saw Stuart Lee, incredibly under valued comic, who should, at the very least, be in the top 30. That's Channel 4 top hundreds for you.
Amongst other genius stuff he did a fantastic bit on 'The Values Of The Carphone Warehouse'. Just brilliant.
I urge you to look out for him.
I shall endeavour to dig up a couple of his bits on You Tube and post them up later.

B A Robertson Below

'Bang Bang' : As rediscovered in Kek's Krypt last night whilst hammered on bourbon & gin to within an inch of our human rights. I haven't smoked that many cigarettes since the late '80s.
Incidently, Kek - B A's other hit was 'To Be Or Not To Be'. Mrs Zero knew that and we didn't. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
I'm off up the garden shed to find my copy of 'Play Don't Worry' by Mr Ronson.

Bang bang

Ilfracombe 01/04/08

Alias

Bought this book (above) recently, admittedly to sell on, but I was just struck by the awful cover. Could you find a worse picture of Jennifer Garner? Okay, she's not the prettiest girl in the world, and the poor cow's married to Ben Affleck, but if you're going to the trouble of writing & printing a whole book, make a fucking effort. I mean, it's Alias for chrissakes, she wears all sorts of different outfits (below are just a handful of suggestions for the reprint). More to the point she spent a lot of time in rubber & latex. At least she did in the first season, before she presumably got powerful enough to refuse to wear anything that 98% of the viewing public wanted to see her in.
I actually lost interest in Alias after Season 1 largely because for a hard-nosed uber-agent working undercover she seemed to spend an awful lot of the time crying and getting upset. Either that or she was in jeans and a tee shirt the whole time once her contract had been renewed and I no was longer fished in. Everyone knows female undercover agents have to dress up as either prostitutes or pole dancers or goths at least half the time. Just ask Heather Locklear.

Inspiral Carpets - Dragging Me Down

Just great quasi-psychedelia.

Keifer Easter

Well, now. Jesus died on the cross so I could have a Keifer Sutherland mug. I think that's fair.
I actually stopped watching 24 after Season 2, it got so laboured I got tired just sitting there watching it. They should've called it 12, or even 6 and I would have stayed with it. But I still love ex-con Keifer. He did his time without complaint and he just has the best voice in the world. I often wonder if when he goes out for a pint with Charlie Sheen these days whether they still invite Emilio Estevez. I mean, what would they say to the guy? Poor Emilio, I guess he could make some more Mighty Ducks films if he wanted to.

As far as Easter is concerned, it's like a poor man's Christmas, there's fucking nothing on telly. Why isn't Von Ryan's Express on? Or North West Frontier? If I can pluck up the courage to go out to the creepy garden shed where all our videos are I guess I could look for some TJ Hooker (I do have a hankering to see the episode where Heather Locklear goes undercover as a prostitute...oh, that's all of them), though it's doubtful Mrs Zero would agree to watching that over lunch. Still, I believe there is a copy of About A Boy out there which desperately needs to be stamped on & burned, so if no more posts appear here it's probably because I've been attacked and killed by the giant Shed Spiders whilst ridding the world of at least one copy of that hideous fucking film.

Books

Travelled the windy M5 to Bristol last week to get righteously caned with Webb, Barber & Wynch last week. As Bristol is absolutely shite for second hand books I was saved by stopping off in Asbo capital Western-Super-Mare where I found these gems amongst many others.

First Annual Octopus 99 Motion Picture Awards

Well, now, next year I'll probably hold this as a gala event at Chard Town Hall with a red carpet and everything. This year, however, due to funding problems, the winners will just have to come round my house to collect their gongs.
Each category had five nominations (some of which get a mention), and Jupiter and myself were up all night deliberating the winners & losers.

So here they are, the glorious winners:

Best Un-PC Excuse To Shoot Arabs While Posing As A PC 'Let's Work Together' Film: The Kingdom.

Best Animal : The Dog Off I Am Legend.

Best Spy Music : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Best Film About Magicians : The Prestige.

Film That Wasn't Nearly As Bad As Everyone Said It Was : Spiderman 3.

Best Hair : John Cusack In 1408.

Best Film I Haven't Seen : Rambo.

Best Quote : 'You Wanna Be A Big Cop In A Small Town? - Fuck Off Up The Model Village.' (Hot Fuzz).

Best Remake Of Death Wish : The Brave One. (I haven't seen Death Sentence.)

Most Missed Movie Franchise : The Mighty Ducks. (A close second was Agent Cody Banks).

Best Bruce Willis Movie : Die Hard 4.0.

Best Lindsay Lohan Movie : I Know Who Killed Me.

Best Film With A Killer Who Looks Like One Of The Monkees : No Country For Old Men.

Worst CGI : I Am Legend.

Worst Acting/Script Hidden By A Good Idea : Cloverfield.

Most Unnecessary Fast Cutting Thus Ruining What Would Otherwise Be A Really Good Movie : The Bourne Ultimatum.

Special Who Gives A Shit Award : Blade Runner: The Final Cut.

Special Please Will You Just Fuck Off Award : Julia Roberts.

Special Television Award For The Series That Really Does Have No Idea How Shit It Is : Torchwood.

And there you go. Hopefully next year it'll be televised, I'm in talks with QVC.