Zero Toys

Oh Lordi

Crippled as I am, I shall be watching the Eurovision Song Contest tonight (yes, Song Contest, not just Eurovision..that doesn't mean anything). I didn't want to go out anyway, it has nothing to do with no one being around. But Finnish entry Lordi...they're just Gwar aren't they? God, though, I hope they win.

He Man

I know the dude on the right is Skeletor, but who's the other fucker? I'm going to put them on Ebay & need to appear knowledgeable on the subject.

Mr Moffat

As requested by Betty Cress, the tragically short-lived Logan's Run, featuring the greatest eybrow actor ever Donald Moffat (left), and Uber-Fluff Heather Menzies (she was the middle kid in The Sound Of Music and also starred in the marvellous Pirahna.
Moffat also played the twitchy Garry in my third favourite film The Thing. He lasts almost to the end.

Go Faster Flag

My favourite flag, just in case anyone was wondering.

Well, this morning I tore my Achilles tendon. Fuck me it hurt.
This either means I'll be blogging a lot more...or I may simply roll around on the floor in agony.

Just One More, Then

Oh, what the Hell, one more picture of Ms Locklear before I revert to Octopusness and head into the impending Logan's Run & Top Trumps posts.
Ah, she's super.

Proper Cybermen

While I'm on the subject of new things being crap..weren't The Cybermen aliens from The Tenth Planet, rather than transformed Big Issue sellers?
Much as I hate to criticize the new DR Who series (other than that it's bollocks), this seems a bit lame. Mind you, I only saw the last ten minutes due to Cricket On Five, so maybe I missed some in depth explanation of the rewriting of history.

The Absorbing Man

My favourite super villian, as he should be, not buggered up as in the Hulk movie.

T J Hooker

As I was talking about Heather Locklear..well not to you maybe, but I was, I thought I'd post some cool TJ Hooker pix. After all, William Shatner is God in some universes, and it was probably the best tv show of all time. James Darren off Time Tunnel was Stacey Sheridan's partner.
And TJ Hooker's daughter in the show was Baywatch nymphette Nicole Eggert, who went on to star in the quasi-Terminator straight to video classic The Demolitionist.

Well, there you go.

Fluff Frenzy

Well, here's the aforementioned Catherine Schell. Or Catherine Von Schell if you're a purist. Space 1999, there was a show that wasn't too good..
..and this is Catherine Bach, who was in the Uber-Shit Dukes Of Hazard. Never liked it. Too much shouting and I never liked denim shorts..
..not to be confused with Jessica Simpson, who plays Daisy Duke in the recent movie. Unfortunately you can't really see her face here...
..ah, there she is.

So, just in case there's any confusion from the comments on Kid Shirt's Fall Guy blog, here's the great Heather Locklear...

















..not to be confused with the over rated Heather Thomas...

..and here's Heather Locklear again...

..er, on her wedding night, apparently.

Everybody's On Top Of The Pops

If you happen to watch TOTP this weekend and notice anything strange about the audience, ie; it's populated with hunchbacks, all manor of cripples, manically depressed geeks, balding guys with long hair, women with a lost, angry look and skirts worn over their jeans plus many courderouy jackets with leather elbow patches..it will be down to the fact that presently the BBC has no licence for having public audiences at their music shows...so they've had to resort to inviting the staff.
Ouch.

Cake

As promised..The Cake. Buffy & Boba, together at last.

Science Fiction Fluff #10

Haven't done a Fluff Post for quite some time.
This is Jennifer O'Dell off Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World, which Sci Fi used to show every day until recently. It was crap, but it did have velocoraptors and shit.
She's been captured by giant bees and is covered in honey. Cool.

Wedded Bliss

Well, now. I seem to have woken up Married.
Truth be told it was a Groovy affair, good weather, good people, good cake. There is now officially a Mrs Zero. She spoke, I spoke, photographs were taken, we ate, we spoke again. Niowulf spoke of my lurid past.
Mr Ayling gave me cocaine in the bog. There were images of our cats on the tables. Donna cried when she saw my ex-cat Planet's photo. Kid Shirt wore a suit. I drank many glasses of Jack Daniel's.
It was a fine day & night.
Although nobody really got to hear the enchanted cds I had spent weeks painstakingly putting together - but I'm not bitter - I'm just planning to go to everyone's houses individually and play them all through track by track.
We honeymooned in Dublin (best not to refer to England as 'The Mainland' if you ever go) which is a great place as long as you don't want to FUCKING SMOKE ANYWHERE.
Still, I got this:

Plus a few more books, which was lucky considering most of Dublin's secondhand bookshops have closed down. Not, of course, that I was looking for books on my honeymoon..
er...

um...

Ah, well.

The Staaaag

Well, I survived my Stag Night. I have to thank Pool King Niowulf for organizing everything - the whole affair had a military precision. It was a day and night of pure drinking and macho competition. I got knocked out in the semi-finals of the pool tournament and was Utter Shit at bowling. Still - I had a fabulous evening, even though everybody seemed to forget to book a Wonder Woman In Underwater Gear stripper.
At some point there was food - I think that may have saved us.
Special thanks must go to Nik for not bringing any drugs. Thank God. Apparently he couldn't wake his dealer up that morning.
I even made it to a pulp bookfair today - more of that later.
It's now 9pm and I'm going to bed...I'm very, very tired.

No Fucking Deal

Noel Edmonds is now officially the highest paid presenter on British tv. How fucking depressing is that?
Just as Gaby Fuckwit Roslin finally disappears and Dar-vina is looking hot to plummet down the ratings toilet, they start bringing tossers back that I thought we were well rid of.
Who's next? Anthea Snowflake Turner - the woman who put the sack & shit in Sack Of Shit?

Call The Cops - Or Don't

Well, great statement from The Fuzz yesterday - they're basically not bothering with 'lesser' crimes now. Oh, unless they're motivated by racism or homophobia - because that's so much worse. So you can get out there and kick the shit out of somebody else as long as you're mugging them, or you don't like their hair - PC reasons - just make sure you don't call them anything. Well, call them a wanker or a cunt - just be careful you don't stray into unacceptable forms of abuse.
My brother got pretty badly duffed up last week on a bus for no apparent reason. Yeah - no apparent reason - there's an awful lot of it about - most of it. Ooo - but it's so much more important to catch the perps if they call you a poof or a honky first.

Grizzly Again

God I Love Ebay.

The Ghost Rider Vs The Tarantula

Ah, the original, cool Ghost Rider. I loved those Marvel westerns.

Kid Shirt / Octopus 99 Crossover

Well, now - Kid Shirt came to town last night (no, that's not a picture of him) for a kind of pre-stag beverage. All I can say is that we drank many drinks and smoked many cigarettes (in retrospect I think possibly going lager / bourbon / lager / bourbon again / gin was a mistake on my part - Shirt seemed more focused & stuck to gin) and then ate many cocktail sausages. We talked about things and caught some late night Sci Fi soft porn and looked at books and watched Jupiter the cat and stayed up late and I think Shirt blogged at some point.
Today all I really know is that I feel like I may have Avian Flu or possibly Scurvy and that all I have the energy to do is look at pictures of Cheryl Ladd.

Red Dawn

As I seem to be able to post pictures again - and my blog is little if not nothing without visual accessories - as a kind of postscript to Kid Shirt's recent alpha-male Red Dawn appreciation post I give you the great C Thomas Howell (The Hitcher, ET, quite a few straight-to-video erotic thrillers).
He's the bitter & twisted 14 year-old stone killer Robert in Red Dawn. I once wrote a song about him.
He's also currently starring in the mini-series remake of The Poseidon Adventure on Sky One.
Cool.

Gooood Morning

I woke up this morning - slightly hungover from a session with Lurch last night - and the first item on the local news read: ' The badly disfigured faces of children will be displayed throughout the underground network today.'
I'll look forward to that, then.

Celebrities I Met This Week

As normal with a week on BBC Breakfast - getting up at 3am and trying not to kill anybody - I ended up with Bad Karma and Frazzled and totally out of sync with the rest of the planet (including nocturnal animals).
I did, however, meet the following people:

Alexei Sayle - If only I'd known I'd have brought in my copy of Cak! for him to sign. Fucking Genius.

Angela Rippon (quite nice in a Demonic sort of way) - Luckily for me she seems to have no recollection of the time I responded to her having a go at me by saying 'Do I look like I give a Fuck?' It was the 90's - I was more cutting edge back then.

Aled Jones - I have no time for his Bumboy singing - but he's a fucking good chap. I would like to go down the pub with him. At lunchtime though, not in the evening.

Aidan Quinn - er..he's some actor bloke from America who hasn't been in anything good. Well, maybe Desperately Seeking Susan if you like that kind of thing. Big star, really famous..

Kym Marsh (Hahahahaha) - She may well be representing our great country at Eurovision this year (I say again: Hahahahaha).

Roy Walker Off Catchphrase - It's a good answer but it's not right.

Kate Humble Off Animal Park - Mmmmmm. Hhhhumble.

Bill Tidy Off Nothing - Ancient incredibly unfunny cartoonist.

Suzi Quatro - (Apparently Back In Fashion) - Once again I'm not remembered for an incident some years ago after which Suzi Q could have legally killed me. Really - it was my worst day ever. Ever.

Well, that was my week. Now I'll spend the next fortnight trying to get my fucking body clock back to normal.

Oh yeah, I've got a few days off - so I'm going to release an album.

Dirty Mary + Crazy Larry

One of the worst films ever..but one of the best titles.

Mig Alley

A classic.

V

Watching V the other night..Sci Fi are repeating the original Mini-Series..and I'd almost forgotton the Godlike Genius of Michael Ironside. He absolutely steals it. Ham Tyler.. nasty mercenary..but with a heart. I fucking love V. It has a special place in my heart - 1983 -Kek-W - a rather bad speed come down that lasted five days - and V was on every night.
Ironside was also in Scanners, Total Recall and, above all, Extreme Prejudice. That's some Hard cv.
Apparently he's working on a series called Ice Planet. How can a series called Ice Planet not be fucking great? It's impossible.

One More For The Road

OK, I know I must have gone out & gotten drunk with Niowulf because I just got home with a giant Pasty. This means I must have been through Clapham Junction station. What did we talk about again?

Ooops

Sorry there's been none of my usual Tres Interesting posts of late - been very busy out in the Middle East selling Danish flags.

Van Der Valked

I may have to postpone the imminent w*dding due to unforseen circumstances - I can't get hold of Eye Level by The Simon Park Orchestra on cd. I have it on vinyl which is of no use whatsoever.
Game over, man.
Shirt, Glitch - you're music dude boffins - can you help in the vinyl / cd crossover? This is actually a Life / Death matter.

Erin Gray Revisited For No Good Reason

JC - had a good night tonight - thanks for being a good sport & coming out to help me deal with my Cabin Fever & getting Totally Pasted with me. Here's to the Basement Flat Flood #2.

Sold Out

OK, Ken Livingstone, I've bought your fucking Oyster card - now fuck off and leave me alone you Greedy Nazi Cunt.
Postscript 20/01/06: I really do appologize for the awful & offensive language used in this post. I was Very Drunk when I wrote it and I promise I will never use the words Ken Livingstone again without a warning.

Science Fiction Fluff #09

The Uber-Hard Shane Vansen (aka Kristen Cloke) from Space: Above And Beyond. A series tragically cut off in its prime. Probably by the Fox Network - they've got no guts at all.

Burroughs

Finally got hold of a copy of Tanar Of Pellucidar, so I can now get on with the reading of the series. I could have got this at any time, actually, except I needed to have the US printing with a Frank Frazetta cover. Not fussy, or anything.

Big Bruvver

I can't begin to explain how happy it made me feel to watch all the 'celebrities' in the BB house ganging up on 'celebrity' whore Jodie Marsh & informing her what a Fuckwit she is. Fabulous.

The Octopus 99 Review Of 2005

Lost was a crock of shit.
To all the people that regularly informed me that it 'gets really good if you stay with it': You're Morons.

Happy Crapmas

Well, that was Crap. I had just got in from work on Xmas Eve and I immediately became Ill. Literally, I walked in the front fucking door for my first Christmas off in four years and was struck down with a virus before I had stepped on the living room carpet. My fever lasted exactly two and a half days, so when I returned to work on Tuesday I was fine.
TV was crap. Jesus, though, it really was crap. There was absolutely nothing on..and don't say 'Ooo..what about Dr Who?' What about him? He's a cunt. So's Shrek.
We dug out a tape of The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad & watched that.
On Boxing Day they pulled The Poseidan Adventure just because of some fucking tsunami that happened, like, a year ago. It only starts off with a Giant Wave - what's the problem?.
Girls Aloud live was very weak. Bad miming, but they did do Teenage Dirtbag.
The best bit of Christmas this year was being driven to Homebase on Tuesday morning by Greg to find the place deserted and with 25% off laminate flooring. How very.

Dark Wilma

And here's Dark Wilma..taken over by The Space Vampire...notice the subtle change in expression.
Merry Christmas Psychbloke.

Here's Wilma Deering getting Space Vamped.