OCTOPUS 99

Dominic F - I Need Somewhere To Melt Tonight

2011-11-02T20:18:00.004+01:00

Dominic F - I Need Somewhere To Melt Tonight by Dominic Zero
I was going to write a whole load of stuff about this - my one and only completely solo effort - and then I thought, nah, fuck it. It is what it is. Semper Fi.

Oxygen Pete - Julie Christie

2011-10-21T22:24:00.002+01:00

Oxygen Pete - Julie Christie by Dominic Zero

Away From Skaro - Fingers Disguised (As Clouds In My Eyes)

2011-10-16T16:21:00.003+01:00

Away From Skaro - Fingers Disguised (As Clouds In My Eyes) by Dominic Zero

Terror Fish - The Squeaking Goblin

2011-10-10T17:41:00.002+01:00

Terror Fish - The Squeaking Goblin by Dominic Zero

The Amazing Cattle - The Canadian

2011-10-02T20:24:00.002+01:00

The Amazing Cattle - The Canadian by Dominic Zero

The Unbearable Fatness Of Being

2011-07-11T18:37:00.007+01:00

I seem to have recently achieved fatness. Or Higher Fatness. Don't get me wrong, I've always been on the big side, except maybe for those glory years between 1982 and 1985 when I was permanently speeding off my crust and was maybe eating once every four days or so. I looked fucking great back then, it's a crying shame no fucker told me.
And now I have achieved fatness.

Shit, even my hair's fat.
I haven't achieved a great deal in my life. Here's a few of my bonafide life achievements:

A letter from somebody very high up at BBC World Service thanking me for calming down studio guest Sir Ian McKellan because he was freaking fucking out at his less than satisfactory treatment at 0530. I guess it's not too much to ask to at least be given a chair. Let alone a fucking cup of tea. And it was a letter. With a proper biro written signature at the bottom. A paper letter in a paper fucking envelope with my fucking name written on it. None of this modern cyber shit.

A phone call at work from my boss Paul Raymond congratulating me on having told up and coming Brit director Neil Jordan to 'Fuck Off'' whilst he was demanding that I give him a phone. He was shooting Mona Lisa in the theatre I was working in and I was under orders to keep the phone free. Neil Jordan was Very Rude.
I was Very Rude back.

The same day at the same place of work Bob Hoskins going and getting me a bacon sandwich.

Looking after Tom Verlaine's guitar while he did an interview.

Telling a director of a 12 hour OB that I could get a thirty piece orchestra off stage in forty seconds then doing it in 35 seconds.

Well, I suppose achievements are things you strive for, and I can't honestly say I spent years working towards Bob Hoskins going and getting me a bacon sandwich, but you know what I mean.If eating a large doner & chips then three Double Caramel Magnums is striving for fatness then that is exactly what I've been doing. So I've achieved fatness. I strived for it and now I've got it. I should be glad that I can't see my cock. And proud.

'Welcome To The World' - The Amazing Cattle

2011-03-13T14:20:00.000+01:00

'Things In My Eyes' - The Amazing Cattle

2011-03-13T14:06:00.000+01:00

'I Wish I Was Dead' - The Amazing Cattle

2011-03-06T21:50:00.000+01:00

'Sensuous' - The Amazing Cattle

2011-03-06T14:13:00.000+01:00

'I Am The Tambourine' - Live - The Amazing Cattle

2011-03-05T20:54:00.000+01:00

Hail Hydra

2010-12-26T18:53:00.003+01:00

Well, I suppose at some point in one's life one has to buy a travel card holder and I have finally reached that point.
I saw this and it fucking HAD to be bought.

Stewart Lee - 5 - Big Brother Scandal - 41st Best Stand-Up Ever

2010-11-23T12:47:00.000+01:00

Jupiter Vs Heather Locklear

2010-10-16T15:20:00.005+01:00

So. My cat, Jupiter (aka Cat #5), has stress. I took him to the vet and the vet diagnosed him as being very stressed out. The vet then spun the chamber on a hefty automatic containing one bullet, shoved the barrel in my mouth, and screamed 'Your fucking cat has fucking stress!' and pulled the trigger. There was just a click as the hammer fell on an empty chamber. Phew.

Oh, hang on, I think I'm getting two things mixed up here.

It may not have happened quite that way. I did have a dream the other night where Kate Beckinsale was hunting me with a Russian KSVK 12.7 bolt action sniper rifle. And Cat #5 was more than likely on the bed purring in my ear whilst this was going on. It was a great dream. Beckinsale was looking good in fatigues.

I don't normally dream. Or if I do I don't usually remember what I've dreamed. Though as I drifted off that night, with Cat #5 sitting next to my pillow staring at me as though he'd never fucking seen me before, I was thinking through a scene in my next book where the lady villain lays down some sniper fire on some unfortunate people who really don't deserve it. But that character, in my brain, is based on Heather Locklear, not Kate Beckinsale. And she's using a 1950s Norwegian Mauser M59, not the 1990s KSVK.

Aaahhh. I see. I'm living in the past, and my subconscious is attempting to drag me up to date. It all makes perfect sense. And Cat #5 is obviously worrying his fur off when he sees the night time struggle that I'm going through. Locklear vs Beckinsale. Old guns vs new guns. TJ Hooker vs The Wire. And only Cat #5 sees me at night - contorted and physically wracked with conflict. He wants me to drag myself out of the '80s.

Well, fuck you Jupiter. And you too subconscious. When this book gets published and I sell the film rights -Fuck you Beckinsale, Locklear's getting the part.

So, anyway, my cat has stress. He's over-grooming apparently, which means he may go bald. Well, let me tell you, if he goes bald he's out. I'm not having a bald cat around the place. My life's fucking weird enough as it is.

Stewart Lee Came In My Shop

2010-10-05T17:22:00.007+01:00

As I was saying..Well, okay, it's been six months since I wrote anything here, and the last post was, well, lacking shall we say. But then, Octopus 99 is a lacking blog.
I've been, well, busy. Three years running a shop. That ended last week. Thursday to be precise. And on Friday, as we spent the day clearing up, putting shit in bags & sweeping the floor & killing the moths and spiders, I went outside for a cigarette and Stewart Lee was looking in the window at a pile of Robert E Howard books I had left there. He looked exactly like Stewart Lee.

Over the years I have often thought I might have been a comedian. Too well adjusted, though. And too lazy. It would have meant actually doing something, writing stuff & shit. Anyway, I'm not a comedian and Stewart Lee is. So is Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld never came in the shop, but Bruce Montague did. Yes, the Bruce Montague, off Butterflies, 1978-1983. Mrs Zero recognized him. I wouldn't have known him from a lump of pigeon shit. Maxwell Caulfield was in the same Goddamned play as him in Barnstaple and he didn't bother coming in our shop. The Maxwell Caulfield...off The Colbys AND Dynasty AND Grease Fucking 2. That would have impressed me. What a fucker.
Other celebrities that didn't come in our shop : Simon Amstell, The Saturdays, er, Todd Carty (The Saturdays' Frankie Sandford, take away the wet-look leggings & you've got nothing...see Bugwar for details).

Anyway. If I had become a comedian I imagine I would have been in the vein of Stewart Lee, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Dennis Leary. But I didn't. This is probably principally because I'm not very funny. But as much as anything it's just as probable that I'm too fucking lazy and too well adjusted and couldn't possibly stand in front of a bunch of people trying to make them laugh. For one thing I don't like people enough to give a shit whether they think I'm funny or not. For another thing, I don't like people very much. I suspect that's probably the fault of the Coalition Government.
But I can die safe in the knowledge that, although I wouldn't have been anywhere near as funny as any of those three, I would definately have been funnier than Phil Fucking Jupitus. But then, who isn't funnier than Phil Fucking Jupitas? Eichmann was funnier. A lot funnier.

So Stuart Lee came in the shop at my invitation, and it was all I could do not to slobber over him as he bought two Robert E Howard books. I inhaled deeply on my Marlboro Silver as he left (cigarettes are colours now...no Mediums, no Lights...nobody knows what the fuck they're smoking anymore, although I'm pretty sure SuperKings still kill you quicker than anything else), and he turned and came back and bought another Robert E Howard book. I swear to God I almost came.

As Stewart Lee drifted away I looked at the three pound coins in my sweating palm and wept.

Termite Gangs

2010-04-04T21:36:00.001+01:00

You've gotta love The French. Paris is currently suffering an infestation of 'Termite Robbery Gangs' who tunnel up underneath banks. Fucking brilliant.

My Favourite Joke

2010-02-10T21:43:00.001+01:00

Baby Polar Bear : "Mummy, are you sure I'm really a polar bear?"

Mother Polar Bear : "Of course you're a polar bear. Why do you ask?"

Baby Polar Bear : "Beacause I'm fucking freezing."

Flash Gordon The Director's Cut

2010-02-10T13:48:00.001+01:00

As re-discovered by Niowulf, the best bit of Flash Gordon that's always cut when it's on telly.
It was not cut the other day, however, when he was watching it with his kids.
Classic stuff.

A-Rod

2010-01-24T18:34:00.001+01:00

Andy Roddick - through to the Australian Open quarters in in five sets. Hang in there, dude.

Octopus 99 Review Of 2009

2010-01-01T18:06:00.020+01:00

Well now, as years go I've had better ones than 2009, about 47 of them in fact, but I won't drone on about my personal life like some kind of self-piteous arse. Even though, generally speaking, I'm usually quite the sympathy wretch and am, most definitely, an arse.

As far as Popular Culture goes, I really can't decide whether 2009 was good or bad or neither. This could well be down to the fact that I barely watched any movies or telly, only read about three comics and listened to next to no music. Looking back the whole year seems like a vague blur. I remember some famous paedo dying. I remember some Nazi bloke being on Question Time. I remember wearing my Luftwaffe gloves to Kid Shirt's big birthday bash. I'm pretty sure Boy George went to prison (now that is fucking Karma). And I remember my pal Sean F appearing after five years in the wilderness and getting so pissed with him my eyes actually fell out.

I did, however, read a lot of books. An awful lot of books, due to my endless journeying between Ilfracombe and London, though about 90% of these were old pulps and science fiction. The Shadow, the Modesty Blaise series in its entirety, plus mucho Stephen Hunter and Roger Zelazny all kept me from going commuter insane. I did read the first two volumes of Peter F Hamilton's Void trilogy, which were ace (and heavy - physically heavy. It was like carrying lead bars around), but now I have to wait at least a fucking year for the last one to come out, which kind of turns it all into a slightly negative experience.

And what of Girls Aloud? They seemed to be disintegrating like old bones in an acid bath, all of them selfishly branching out into new careers. Nadine's a property tycoon. Ruff Nicola's some kind of pale make-up guru, the blonde one's bought a club. And Cheryl - crikey - Cheryl exploded all over us like a bursting balloon of shit - becoming a brand new Posh Spice, updated like a later version of Action Man. She can talk and everything. When Cheryl's finally worn out from all the fame and the cash the next version will presumably have gripping hands and realistic hair.
And as for Kimberley....
...poor Kimberley. Oh, where did it all go wrong? Always the most respected and desired of the GAs on this blog, she must be desperately hoping the band stays together just for a while until she can think of something new to be. I know..go porn, go on, you know it would work.

I didn't catch too many movies, not enough time and all movies are TOO LONG. Saw The Dark Knight. Didn't think much of it. Rather like the James Bond reboot - once they'd done one they just gave up and went back to the old Joel Shcumacher style of over-edited toss.

Saw star Trek. Another reboot, or re-imagining or whatever the fuck it was. They wasted Eric Bana and they made Winona Ryder look old then killed her. That's shameful. And they obviously spent an awful lot of time finding actors who looked and sounded like Kirk, Spock and McCoy, but when they got to Uhuru apparently they just signed up the first black woman that walked past.

I really think re-imagining Terrahawks might have had more mileage in it.

And Valkyrie. Which was pretty good really. Very interesting. Despite Tom Cruise looking just too fucking American to be a Nazi. Or non-Nazi. Apparently you need legions of British actors to play all the other Germans. What was slightly dodgy was that the Bad Germans had accents and the Good Germans didn't. Thin ice. Although maybe that's how you could tell them apart in the war, so perhaps it was an accuracy thing. And I can't believe the shit ending..totally fucking up killing Hitler then all getting shot or hanged with piano wire. What a downer.

Which leads nicely onto Ingloooriuz Bistards, in which, I'm sure you know, they don't fuck up killing Hitler in the slightest.

My basic problem with this film was that the eponymous Nazi Hunters were A/ Barely In It and B/ Totally Irrelevant To The Plot. Still, better than most of Mr QT's other stuff, but I think it should have been called Vengeful Jewish Woman. Or Vungfeel Jowish Wooomun as QT would have spelt it.

I also found out, in 2009, that if you tell people that you don't like the movie Pulp Fiction, they think you're a fucking idiot.

The best film I saw all year was actually Hell Is For Heroes, which Kek kindly sent me for my birthday. In fact, here's a Perfect Night In: Hell Is For Heroes, Rambo and Taken. Trust me.

Close second has to be Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus. It's a fucking classic. Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson have never been better. Never.

Actually, speaking of my birthday, how come nobody got me the Rachel Stevens calender. How come? Hmmm? Why was that?

In 2010 look out for: The Expendables, Pirahna 3D.

The only comics I got to read were whatever Lurch left lying about his flat. The Mark Millar / Steve McNiven Wolverine: Old Man Logan was fucking superb. I do love a good alternative future where you can do what you like. The Red Skull offing Captain America (thumbs in the eyes - nice) was particularly cool.

And....

....the cover of Heroes For Hire #13. It may well not have come out in 2009, but I sure as Hell had a good wank over it in 2009.

TV. Well, like everything else, I didn't watch an enormous amount of telly. I gave up on most of my regulars. The Apprentice (it finally sank in that they are all cocksuckers). The X Factor (it finally sank in that they are all cocksuckers) - well, the standard just wasn't as good this year (that's a joke...honestly..that's a joke). Britain Clearly Hasn't Got Talent....Have you seen those dancers that won? They're SHIT.

The Curb Your Enthusiasm Seinfeld reunion was just fucking genius. Although it did make me realize what a huge, gaping hole Seinfeld has left in TV, even after all this time.

And Stuart Lee's Comedy Vehicle. Somebody give him his own channel. Now.

There was 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother and Inbetweeners. None of which have Charlie Sheen in. Thank God.

I didn't even watch much of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Even though Jimmy White was in it. Although the powers that be did decide to turn it into Jordan TV. Apparently she went on the show to 'get away from it all'. Hmm. Must be terrible for her, all that endless self-generated publicity. Mind you, you've got to love the public when they vote for the old whore to do seven trials in a row. Seven. 'I can't work out if this means they love me or hate me' she piped. IT MEANS THEY FUCKING HATE YOU YOU CRETIN.

Over the last year or so I've noticed how an awful lot of people repeatedly refer to Jordan as 'very clever' or that she possesses a 'good business mind'. She's not clever. She has clever agents and advisers. All she actually is is fucking greedy. Just like Jade 'Dead' Goody. Apparently Jordan's prolific literary output is not enough, and now she's inspired Colleen Rooney to write a book. 'I've had a really good idea for a book' Colleen recently announced. Well, that's gonna be fucking astonishing.

What Jordan ultimately needs is a good fisting. IN THE FACE.

As for the Wimbledon final, well that was just like a Greek fucking tragedy. After twatting Brit Git Andy Murray in the semis, Andy Roddick put up a titanic struggle against Federer then lost. That's five hours plus that I'll never get back and has basically left me scarred for life.

I have to say I didn't discover an awful lot of music, in fact all I really listened to was Ice Bird Spiral, Mud and The Saturdays. I tried very very hard to like The Saturdays and failed.

Even with the lubricious Frankie Sandford in their line-up The Saturdays are actually quite shit. They did, however, once come and turn on the Barnstaple Christmas lights. This is something both Mud and Ice Bird Spiral have totally failed to do.

So, with a brand New Year in mind and everybody's best interests at heart, here's my wish for the new decade...that in 2010 the lubricious Frankie Sandford should join Ice Bird Spiral.

I may also try and find out what lubricious means.

Top Ten Songs I Listened To Whilst Driving To London

2009-11-06T23:27:00.010+01:00

Well, it was a dark, wet & lonely drive....and I do like lists. 1/ Complete Contol - The Clash.
Fucking changed my life this record did.

2/ Paralysed - Ride.
Ends about twelve times. It's as though the drummer's in another room and the rest of the band keep forgetting to tell him the song's finished. Cool.
3/ Stronger - Britney Spears.

4/ Razzamatazz - Pulp.
"You started getting fatter - three weeks after I left you."

5/ Science Friction - XTC.

6/ Don't Fear The Reaper - The Meat Puppets.

Better than the original.

7/ Up Against The Wall - Tom Robinson Band.

8/ (Get A) Grip (On Yourself) - The Stranglers.

Never liked much by The Stranglers or TRB, but what I did like, I liked a lot.

9/ Sister Europe - The Psychedelic Furs.

10/ Long Ride Back - The Amazing Cattle.

Well, if you haven't heard this you're just a twat.

Oh, it's all a bit punk, and of absolutely no interest to anyone but me, but, hey, anyone who reads this shit knows full well I'm embedded in the past. Mainly because the present is so fucking awful.

Cheryl Cole Number One Hit

2009-11-01T13:59:00.002+01:00

Despite it's Uber-Uncoolness, and a critical drubbing, I'm quite liking Cheryl Cole's 'Fight For This Love'. Good keyboards I think, and a fantastic quasi-Nazi video.

Dollhouse Season 2

2009-10-21T15:05:00.004+01:00

Ahh, the totally unexpected second season of Dollhouse is finally on Sci Fi. Fucking A. Although it's apparently sinking in the ratings, so enjoy it while it lasts. Hang in there Joss.

More pix over on Bugwar.

The High Chaparral

2009-10-07T21:37:00.001+01:00

Mud-Dynamite

2009-10-05T18:25:00.001+01:00

Been in my head all day.

Lancer

2009-10-04T14:29:00.001+01:00

Oh, thank god I found this. I was beginning to think I'd imagined this TV series. It exists after all, how cool. I remember virtually nothing about Lancer, but this music has been in my head since I was about six.

Modesty Blaise

2009-10-03T16:32:00.004+01:00

Been spending an awful lot of time on trains lately, and have just finished reading all nine Modesty Blaise novels in a row. They're all great reads, trouble is I'm so entrenched in that world I have no idea what to read next. Nothing seems to be saying 'Read Me'.

The Killers

2009-09-26T18:56:00.003+01:00

Clu Gulager & Lee Marvin in The Killers (1964). Fucking Hard.

Dude

2009-09-15T21:20:00.005+01:00

The Man. 1952 - 2009. Red Dawn, Point Break, Roadhouse. Say no fucking more.

Sign Of The Times

2009-09-13T17:47:00.000+01:00

Zero

2009-08-28T11:09:00.002+01:00

Top 10 Movies Mrs Zero Won't Watch With Me.

2009-07-18T14:54:00.020+01:00

Well, clearly no fucker's going to have a guess at #03, so I'm claiming a win and nobody wins the fabulous holiday.
#01 Kelly's Heroes (1970) .

#02 - Ice Station Zebra (1968).

#03 - The Man Who Would Be King (1975).

#04 - Red Dawn (1984).

#05 - The Wild Bunch (1969).

#06 - The Last Boy Scout (1992).

#07 - Mad Max 2 / The Road Warrior (1982).

#08 - The Wild Geese (1978).

#09 - Von Ryan's Express (1965).

#10 - Extreme Predjudice (1987).

There you go, 10 classic films that Mrs Z physically withers at the mere mention of. I guess that's marraige for you....love means never having to say "Shall we watch 'Where Eagles Dare'".

Tell me all ten & win an all expenses paid holiday to Combe Martin...if it's still there.

G.I. Joe : The Rise Of Cobra

2009-07-17T17:08:00.005+01:00

Seriously, how is this not going to be a great film? How is that possible? And yet somehow I can't see Mrs Zero building up much enthusiasm, even on a two-for-the-price-of-one ticket, and this may lead to me not seeing it.
This is all leading to a 'Top 10' which I shall hopefully post tomorrow. In the meantime, check out Bugwar for an In Depth Analysis of this film.

2009-07-12T11:04:00.002+01:00

Inspired by Kid Shirt's recent attempt to Twitter on his blog, and basically lacking any ideas of my own, here's my attempt at exactly the same thing, only with pictures, because I get bored with all the words.

2009-07-12T11:03:00.000+01:00

Is anyone else sick of vampires being 're-imagined'?

2009-07-12T11:02:00.000+01:00

Gratuitous picture of Rachel Nichols in 'GI Joe'.

2009-07-12T10:58:00.003+01:00

Now that Farrah's passed on, who is the greatest living American actress? Heather Locklear? Adrienne Barbeau? I'm pretty sure it's one of those two.

2009-07-12T10:58:00.001+01:00

Have The Arctic Monkeys written a good song yet?

2009-07-12T10:57:00.000+01:00

'The Expendables' is going to be the best film ever made. There is no doubt about this.

2009-07-12T10:50:00.001+01:00

Gratuitous picture of Sienna Miller in 'GI Joe'.

2009-07-12T10:48:00.002+01:00

Iranians shouldn't be too disapointed by their recent election results. Yes, The Baddies won, but only over The Less-Baddies. Shit would not have been much different.

2009-07-12T10:45:00.003+01:00

Quentin Tarantino is Shit. Admit it. He's Shit. He's only made one good film and that was a rip off. He's Shit. The sooner we all wake up to this fact, get shot of the fucker and carry on with our lives, the better.
The same exact thing goes for Martin Scorsese..except he hasn't made the one good film.

2009-07-12T10:44:00.001+01:00

Iggy Pop selling insurance. How fucking sad is that?
What's next - Leonard Cohen slapping his own ass in an Asda advert?

2009-07-12T10:43:00.001+01:00

The recent remake of unremakeable The Rise And Fall Of Reginald Perrin was actually quite funny.

2009-07-12T10:42:00.000+01:00

Wacko Jacko was not a musical genius. Smokie did more great songs than he did.

2009-07-12T10:41:00.001+01:00

Why does Mrs Zero always maoan 'Oh Christ' when I suggest watching 'Where Eagles Dare'?

2009-07-12T10:40:00.000+01:00

I once came in Olivia Newton-John's face.

2009-07-12T10:39:00.003+01:00

So - are zombies always going to be fast-moving now, or will they get re-re-imagined ?

2009-07-12T10:39:00.001+01:00

Old 1970s & 1980s bands reforming is always crap except when Magazine do it.

2009-07-12T10:38:00.001+01:00

30 Rock is fucking brilliant.

2009-07-12T10:27:00.001+01:00

I am quite liking the whole Iron Man 2 Mickey Rourke as Whiplash thing. Even though Rourke's a proven tosser and superhero movies always fuck up the villains.

2009-07-06T10:22:00.003+01:00

Watched The Spirit yesterday, as some light relief after the depressing four and a half hour Wimbledon final. What an absolute pile of shit, there's 125 minutes I'll never get back. Scarlett Johansson in Nazi gear did not help, which just goes to show how bad this film is.

Go Andy

2009-07-01T20:09:00.003+01:00

Andy Roddick, that is. Not that Scottish chap.

Farrah Fawcett

2009-06-26T20:00:00.004+01:00

A few words about Farrah. Farrah Fawcett-Majors as she still is in my head. She wasn't my favourite Charlie's Angel, not even my second favourite, but she still made some cool B movies and TV movies that're worth 90 minutes of anybody's time.

Logan's Run, Sunburn, Red Light Sting and Small Sacrifices to name but a few. And she did a good quasi-lesbian scene with Raquel Welch in Myra Breckinridge.

If she had died 24 hours earlier there would have been a lot more attention. RIP to a true Hair De Force.

The Girl From U.N.C.L.E.

2009-06-25T21:35:00.006+01:00

Stefanie Powers & Noel 'Windmills Of Your Mind' Harrison. They Rock. Even though they didn't even spell her name right on the book covers.

Lee Marvin

2009-06-14T17:50:00.001+01:00

No particular reason for posting this, it's just a great picture from one of my favourite films, The Killers (1964).

Shit Imminent

2009-06-10T15:41:00.002+01:00

For those of you with a taste for witty, edgy, hard-boiled writing, I've just posted Shit Imminent, a little diary thing that I wrote a while ago.
Thanks to Geoff R for sending me a bunch of pictures from the event which will indeed be added as soon as I've sorted them out.

Richard Matheson

2009-05-27T11:13:00.003+01:00

Smokin'

2009-05-21T21:25:00.002+01:00

An extremely unusual occurance for me, I went out drinking last night. Drank lots of pints of lager with fellow television Ex-Pat Dave P. Got pasted to the point of mild hysteria. Talked an awful lot of shit, as one might expect. But around the 23.30 mark the landlord closed all the curtains and put an ashtray on our table. I honestly can't remember being so happy. We chain-smoked our tits off.
Fucking Hell, my first Smoke-In.

Susan Storm

2009-05-17T16:04:00.003+01:00

Talking of Susan Storm (well, I was anyway) - here she is with a big, fuck-off shotgun and a rather fetching polar-neck.

Books

2009-05-16T14:02:00.010+01:00

God bless the new charity shop in Barnstaple for actually having some books in it. Boxes and boxes of them...it's Fucking Heaven. Not a Catherine Cookson in sight. I'm going straight back there as soon as I return from London (where I'm suffering...really...but I won't go into it) as apparently they've got a whole houseful of paperbacks to clear. And there selling them at proper charity shop prices. Fuck Oxfam and their £2.49ness.

Russian Submarine

2009-05-16T13:47:00.009+01:00

Some fabulous pictures of the Russkie sub in San Diego from Mark Webb.

Zoltan : Hound Of Dracula

2009-05-04T21:00:00.000+01:00

It's All About Me

2009-04-26T11:32:00.003+01:00

Just a word to say that over on Kek-W Quarterly you can find my long lost play 'Blue Bone In October'. I wrote this back in, well, a fucking long time ago during a period of heavy experimentation with 20th Century drugs.

Suffice to say it's out there in the world now, and bless Kek for remembering it exists and for putting it up there.

It's well worth checking out this new venture of his anyway - great pieces by xTx and Bradley Sands are already up and I hear there's writers clammering to get on there - so best of luck to Kek with this fearless project.

Andy Hallett 1975 - 2009

2009-04-16T09:57:00.001+01:00

Too young, dude. RIP.

Wow

2009-04-12T20:42:00.004+01:00

I've finally figured out how to do this. Thanks Lurch.

Crikey

2009-03-29T18:01:00.003+01:00

As I'm spending an appallingly dull afternoon working at an appallingly dull TV Station, I've been wisely spending my time checking out pictures of Megan Fox.
As the place has run out of filter coffee and I've still got seven hours to go, this is all that's keeping me going.

Sage

2009-03-18T19:46:00.003+01:00

Now that is a great ass. By Salvador Larroca.

Rocket Scientist

2009-03-17T21:59:00.001+01:00

Look,just in case anyone thought this was a blog purely about cartoon women's arses, here's some plans to build an actual rocket. See? I can be interesting & informative.

Susan Storm

2009-03-14T22:32:00.002+01:00

Talking of nice arses (well, I was anyway), Susan Storm gets a really nice one courtesy of Jim Lee. Hey, it's Sunday tomorrow, so I may well spend the day looking through my comics for Nice Ass Artists. You saw it here first.

Silver Sable

2009-03-07T16:09:00.001+01:00

No particular reason for posting this other than I found a shitload of trading cards I didn't know I had and that Julie Bell draws a nice arse.

Philip Jose Farmer 1918 - 2009

2009-03-04T11:08:00.002+01:00

Kid Shirt Cake

2009-02-24T20:40:00.002+01:00

I swear to God, I took this picture of Kid Shirt, Doppelganger & Farmer Glitch (yeah, yeah, I still can't do the 'click on the bold text & it'll take you to their page' thing - it's too fucking 2006 for me), among others, and, well, shit, it came out like this. I'm guessing they're all fucking vampires. Note the wisps of smoke, something freaky was going on.
Kek's Bash on Saturday night was just Legend. I wore my Luftwaffe gloves, talked Mucho Shit (see Doppledude's blog) and apparently fell over in Kek's garden.
I also met Kek's cat Jim - I was telling him all about Vernor Vinge - but the fucker walked off.
Also, during the Jack Daniels haze of The Westlands Social Club, I seem to remember eating a large piece of cake WITH KEK'S FACE ON IT. That just can't be right...can it? Can it???
All in all - fantastic night. I'm possibly actually still pissed.

A Night Out

2009-02-20T19:34:00.003+01:00

Off to Kid Shirt's Birthday Bash tomorrow night. I expect to drink heavily and talk loudly about shit. The burning question is though...do I wear my Luftwaffe gloves?

Goodbye To The Korps

2009-02-11T22:01:00.003+01:00

A sad thing, selling your 1/32 Scale Afrika Korps on Ebay, but what has to be done has to be done.

More Slavery

2009-01-25T20:12:00.003+01:00

Strangely found this the next day in a different shop in a whole different town. Mistress Of The Lash...Fantastic.

Black Slaver

2009-01-19T21:11:00.002+01:00

"She was the queen of slavers and her merest whim was death." Nice. God bless The New English Library.

The GA

2009-01-18T14:39:00.004+01:00

For Davider...vocal hogger Nadine Coyle, and for me..all of 'em in rubber. Cool. The new GA single is fantastic, penned by The Pet Shop Boys, I suggest getting hold of it.

Deadly Encounter

2009-01-14T19:54:00.003+01:00

Especially for Niowulf....Deadly Encounter, a superb Larry Hagman Helicopter Movie that I haven't seen. Sorry it's such a tiny picture, biggest I could find.

Top 10 Helicopter Films

2009-01-07T16:12:00.016+01:00

#01 : Blue Thunder (1983). Just THE Helicopter Movie.

#02 : Dawn Of The Dead (1978). Decapitation By Helicopter Blades Amongst Other Cool Helicopter Things.

#03 : Apocalypse Now (1979). I Don't Believe This Needs Explaining.

#04 : First Blood (1982). This Is The Guy That Falls Out Of A Helicopter When Rambo Chucks A Rock At It.

#05 : Lake Placid (1999). Giant Crocodile Attacks Helicopter.

#06 : Die Hard (1988). FBI Helicopter Cool.

#07 : Terminator 2 : Judgement Day (1991). More Helicopter Coolness.

#08 : John Carpenter's The Thing (1982). Norwegian Helicopter Cool.

#09 : King Kong (1976). By Miles It's A Better Film Than The Recent Turgid Peter Jackson Pile Of Drudgery...And It's Got Helicopters And The World Trade Centre.

#10 : Black Hawk Down (2001). It Just Had To Be In Here .

Okay, well they're mostly films with helicopters in them, rather than actual Helicopter Films ...but they do feature in an integral to the film kind of way....tell me all ten and I'll post the Fluff pic of your choice.

Wilma Deering

2008-12-28T18:05:00.001+01:00

Blimey, over on Bugwar > it's gone Erin Gray C-razy.

Heather Locklear At Christmas

2008-12-26T21:05:00.003+01:00

Just lifted this pic of Locklear (more on Bugwar), as she is first choice for the lead role in the TV Movie I've been writing whilst working at the BBC over Christmas. Working title : 'Your Cock's Head Is Too Big For My Tight Ass'. Locklear has yet to get back to me on this.

Deep Art 002

2008-12-20T21:37:00.003+01:00

Well, I'm off to London until after Xmas to stay with Duderino & generally work depressing shifts in telly, so I'll see you people in a week or so.

Happy..er..actually, fuck it.

Deep Art 001

2008-12-18T22:37:00.001+01:00

So, then. What could have possibly happened next?

Spider Fluff

2008-12-17T21:36:00.003+01:00

Many thanks to El Lurcherino for putting me up last week while I did a stint at Al Jazeera. Lurch also insisted I read the current Mark Millar / Steve McNiven Wolverine, which I duly did and now can't wait for the next one. McNiven does do good fluff...this here is Hawkeye's daughter.
If you haven't already I suggest getting hold of it. Good stuff.
Happy birthday for the day before yesterday Lurch...I'll post a fluff pic for you if you tell me who you want (nobody toooo rough, I know you like them slightly deformed or unfeminine).

The Moon

2008-12-13T23:20:00.000+01:00

Books

2008-12-07T20:16:00.002+01:00

Westworld

2008-12-05T22:47:00.001+01:00

Currently in the middle of watching Westworld on TCM. Why hasn't that happened yet then? I'd go.

How Old?

2008-11-30T14:45:00.003+01:00

Well, now. Very Old today, but the depressing ageing thing has been offset by Mrs Zero buying me the latest Stephen Hunter...a king among writers..He's so fucking Eighties it's like he still lives back there.
I shall be reading it very soon, next week in fact as I travel by train down to our great capital to work, once again, in television. Oh, well, I did get out for almost two years. That has to count for something, right? I worked some overnights last week on Channel Five's American Football. Free chocolate & my name on the credits really didn't make me feel any better. Walking back into the studio firing line just made me nauseous and somewhat retarded. It's looking like I might be back in the television genre just in time to see it finally fist-fuck itself to death.
On top of that I goosed my knee a few weeks back and standing up for eight hours in a studio didn't really help. The most annoying thing is my other knee's fucked now from taking all the weight. Go figure.
Still, using a walking stick for a week was cool. It felt very cosmopolitan.
Apologies for not posting for over a month (to anybody who gives a crap), I have no excuse other than I really had nothing to say. And as you probably can see...I still don't.

What A Crock Of Fucking Sorry Shit

2008-10-20T18:48:00.002+01:00

Christ, there's 90 minutes I'll never get back. AVP : Requiem, it's a really dark film. No, I mean dark...couldn't see a fucking thing. Biggest pile of tripe I've seen in a long time. It's like it was made by Michael Bay's ass hairs (he's the worst director I could think of off the top of my head). Hollywood can kiss goodbye to that franchise. Here's a tip..next time hire a fucking director.

Top Ten Disaster Movies..Number #11

2008-10-15T18:50:00.002+01:00

#11 : Krakatoa : East Of Java (1969).

Forgot one, which is how 'Daylight' got in there in the first place...what's this then you bunch of smart asses?

Top Ten Disaster Movies.

2008-10-11T20:53:00.016+01:00

Ah, a Top Ten. #01 : Daylight (1996).

#02 : Dante's Peak (1997).

#03 : Earthquake (1974).

#04 : Deep Impact (1998).

#05 : The Day The Earth Caught Fire (1961).

#06 : The Poseidon Adventure (1972).

#07 : A Night To Remember (1958).

#08 : The Core (2003).

#09 : The Towering Inferno (1974).

#10 : Airport '77 (1977).

There you go, a true pleasure to compile. Tell me all ten movies and win an invitation to come and have tea & biscuits & creamo at my villa in the country*.

*I may not be there.

The Long Ryders - I Had a Dream

2008-10-03T16:28:00.001+01:00

Just Genius - gotta dig those guitars.

Paul Newman

2008-09-27T23:06:00.002+01:00

RIP dude.

National Wheatley Day

2008-09-25T11:36:00.004+01:00

As suggested by Lurch, I heareby declare September 26th National Dennis Wheatley Day.

Random Books

2008-09-22T18:49:00.010+01:00

Boris Vallejo Cover.^

Gino Achilleos cover. ^

Frank C Pape Cover ^ (Thanks JC).

'The Devil Rides Out' for Farmer Glitch. What a fucking great cover. Don't know the artist, feel free to enlighten me (JC?).

Thought I'd just randomly post a few books I've got my hands on recently - for no other reason than I haven't posted any lately.

Dennis Wheatley

2008-09-19T19:59:00.001+01:00

I have to say, I do love a book with a giant Nazi on the cover.

Sunburn

2008-09-17T20:08:00.002+01:00

As Kek rightly pointed out over on Kid Shirt (while the whole 10cc fever thing winds down), I only really got involved due to Graham Gouldman doing the theme to Sunburn (1979), in which Farrah Fawcett wears this fetching get up. It also stars Charles Grodin, one of my favourite character acting gods.

Doomsday

2008-09-14T11:53:00.003+01:00

Saw Doomsday last night. Quite enjoyed it, despite some of the worst editing I have ever seen. I can see why it got so slagged off, there isn't one original idea in it, and, although I assume it's supposed to be a homage to Aliens / Mad Max 2 / Escape From New York, it's all so specific, Neil Marshall takes chunks of films and just copies them. There's a scene in it that's identical to the chase to the subway station in The Warriors.
Still, lots of gore and Rhona Mitra makes it kind of watchable. Always good to see Sean Pertwee's still getting work. He married a friend of mine don't you know.

PS : Fantastic to see people have been finding textless soft porn genius Bugwar objectionable. I guess now he won't be premiering my ink & paper Susan Storm pix. Ah well, if you want to see some I'll happily send them straight to your inbox. I would post them here, but I have standards.

How & Why

2008-09-14T11:25:00.000+01:00